“Oh my God, Jodi, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know how I can explain it to you, how bad it was. I was like a shell of my former self. I don’t even know what happened to me. I just needed to get away. I contacted the police over and over again, but they couldn’t do much because he never hurt me. He certainly couldn’t be arrested, so the best I could do was a restraining order. But that wasn’t enough. I didn’t feel safe, so I came to Las Vegas for a fresh start . . . only it hasn’t really been that because every guy I’ve met here has been just as hard to deal with as Thomas. Or maybe not that . . . I don’t know if that’s the right word, but it’s always been a battle.”
Wow . . . her walls are well and truly down now. I can see all of her. She’s perfectly imperfect, beautifully broken, damaged but strong. Surviving just like the rest of us, battl
ing her own demons. I want to help her with that and support her, not add to her problems.
“I know what you’re thinking, that I bring all my problems on myself. I know I must somehow. I tried to be honest with Thomas, I just wanted to help Lucas, and with you—”
“No, you can’t blame yourself for me. That was all my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong there. I was a dick, and I overreacted. Also, you can’t blame yourself for Lucas either. He’s clearly an addict. Thomas is just a sick asshole, so that’s not your fault either. You’re just the unlucky recipient of his affections.”
Her shoulders soften, and her face relaxes just a little bit. I hope that I can take just a little bit of weight off her.
“Look, Jodi, things got fucked up for us somewhere along the way. I didn’t mean for it to happen, and I want to make it right. We owe it to our baby to give us another chance, to just try.” Her eyes widen in shock. “But I’m not going to pressure you. I don’t want it to become something dramatic. Just because we have a baby on the way doesn’t mean that we need to dive in with both feet first.”
“What are you suggesting, Brock? Because we do have a baby on the way, so we need to be smart.”
“Let me take you on a date. Just one casual, no-pressure date. We can see then if there’s something still there that we can work on. I don’t want to give up on us just yet.”
She wanders out of the room, taking my hope with her. Her expression was closed off. I don’t know what she’s thinking, what’s she’s going to do. I honestly thought that this would be easy, that she’d fall back into my arms and we’d be happy together. We were happy once upon a time. We could be back there again.
I slide my eyes closed, remembering the good times, silently praying to anyone who’s listening that she comes back to me. I want to kiss her again, to hold her to my chest, to love her with everything I have. And I’ll really do it this time. I’ll really love her, and I won’t let my insecurities get in the way. I’ll be better for Jodi. She deserves for me to be the best man ever. We could be a real family, I could have the unit that I’ve always wanted, and I really want it to be with her. I still love Jodi, and I have through all of it. Now I need her to be mine again.
But I can’t pressure her. That’s the one thing I’ve learned. I just can’t. She’s been through too much. Even if it kills me, I’ll just have to wait it out. I can feel a deep itch running through my body, but I won’t scratch it. I’ll just sit here patiently and wait for her to come back in with her answer, whatever it may be.
20
Jodi
I lean over the kitchen counter, panting desperately as I drink in Brock’s words. I’ve had one of the hardest days ever, and I sure as hell didn’t expect it to end here with Brock in my home, apologizing for everything and asking me to start again. It feels very overwhelming. I need to get my brain in order.
I want to try again, to give him a chance, to see if we can be this perfect family unit, but I’m scared. So frightened it hurts. I can’t let him back in just to lose him again. I don’t think I’ll survive it.
But if I don’t at least give it a try, I’ll always be wondering what if. I’ll hate myself forever.
I nod to myself and take my shaky legs back into the living room. Once there, I look at Brock, really look at him, and I see all our amazing times together, every moment where he made me feel special. The shared kisses, the shivers up and down my spine, the way he’s so soft when he touches me, the loving look in his eyes . . .
Yes, I think decisively with a nod of my head. Yes, definitely, this is the right thing to do.
“Okay,” I finally reply with a shaky tone. “One date. We can see if there’s something here.”
His whole body lights up. He looks like a damn Christmas tree with excitement. I actually giggle at the sight of him. I rub my hand protectively over my belly, just like I do all the time, and know that we need to give this a go for our child. Our little boy or girl who will be here soon. It might not work out, but I’m sure we both know that. If we go in with eyes wide open, then it has to be okay. It just has to be. I need to have faith.
“Do we need to set some ground rules to make sure we don’t . . . I don’t know, argue?”
“You think we might?” His confident grin makes my heart flutter. “I can’t see that happening.”
“I know. I’ll be honest, I can’t either. But I want to make sure it’s all safe.”
“Okay, so why don’t we have a frank, honest discussion once the date is done? See what we think?”
“Yeah . . . communication. That’s a good plan. That’s where we went wrong last time.”
“You’re really going to have to tell me how you feel though. You can’t keep anything inside.”
I nod slowly, knowing that’s going to be hard for me, but also that I’m willing to try. “Yes, of course.”
He stretches out his hand as if he’s going to touch me, and all my skin prickles with anticipation. I remember what it feels like to have him all over me, and I want it so badly. But just before he actually connects with me, he seems to think better of it, and disappointment crushes me as his hand falls away.