“Oh God, Jodi, you’re sick. I didn’t realize.” Like the angel that she is, Millie wraps her arms around me and guides me toward my bedroom. “I didn’t know it was quite like that. You need to get some rest.”
“I’ll be okay in a moment. The sickness comes and goes. I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
“It’s okay. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll clean up then I’ll head to the pharmacy to get you something.”
“You’re such a good friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Millie.”
“Well, you won’t have to again. I’m always going to be there for you.”
My eyes slide closed of their own accord, and I remember what drew me to Millie in the first place. We were young, in school, and we had the same lunch bag. Something so simple, but also something that we had in common, which at the time was everything. I needed a friend badly and wanted it to be her.
We were solid after that, always having one another’s back. She got me through the difficult, awkward teenage years, and I hope I did the same for her. I knew even then that I would always be able to count on her, and she’s more than proven that. I owe her big, and I fully intend to be there for her should she ever need it.
While she’s gone, I drift in and out of a fitful sleep, unable to relax for even a second. Nothing is right, it isn’t where it’s supposed to be, it’s all everywhere, all over the place. I want that settled feeling back, the sensation that I’m calm and whole again. I had that for a while, but I’ve lost it, and it’s horrible.
Millie becomes a nightmarish beast in my mind, Brock becomes a shadow monster, everyone that I’ve ever known or cared for tears me from the inside out, destroying me in the most painful way possible. It’s as if there’s something agonizing in my stomach, wanting to break free, but I don’t know how to let it out.
I grab at myself, trying to rip my skin because I’m so desperate to get it out. It’s weighing me down, pressing down on me, leaving me stuck where I am. Something wants me right where I am, to do whatever the hell it wants to me. I don’t want to be tampered with. I’m going through enough.
I scream out Millie’s name, then Brock’s, before I remember that I have to fear them too. They aren’t my friends anymore. They aren’t the people who love me. They want me dead as well. Everyone does.
“Argh!” Screaming out, I jolt myself awake. Sweat pours down my face. “Argh, fucking hell.”
I still feel that nasty panic coursing through me, snaking over and through my organs, affecting every inch of me. It’s cold, yet I feel hot. It freezes and boils at the same time. The sickness is something else.
“Hello? It’s me again. Are you okay, Jodi?”
“Millie?” It takes me a few moments to realize that she isn’t the enemy anymore. “I’m here.”
My throat feels red raw, like the skin has been stripped away. I need some water to replenish that dryness. I try to rise to my feet, but I’m too unsteady. Luckily, Millie is by my side in a heartbeat.
“Whoa, whoa, don’t get up. You don’t need to stand. I have some stuff for you.”
She hands me a brown paper bag that apparently has all the answers, and I rifle through it, looking at the selections of pills and remedies she’s chosen for me. She seems to have every damn thing—it’s like a goodie bag filled with surprises. The only problem is I can’t think straight for long enough to decide which one to take. They all feel very oddly appealing and unappealing in equal measures.
“What the hell?” I pull out one box and look down the length of it. “What’s this?”
Millie’s face flames red. “Look, I know that it’s a long shot, but it’s still a possibility, don’t you think? The tiredness, the sickness, the way you’re extra emotional right now . . .” I give her a hard enough look to silence her. “Okay, look, don’t you think it’s best to try? To rule it out as a possibility.”
I gulp down the thick golf ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “Now I do.”
My brain reels back over all the times we were careful and all the times we weren’t so much. More often than not, Brock and I got so caught up in the heat of the moment we didn’t even think about it. We were in a bubble, locked there with only me and him, no consequences to worry about.
Only now, I’m starting to realize that wasn’t the case at all.
“I think I’m going to do this now, get it out the way, get rid of the possibility.”
“Yeah,” Millie whispers back, “I think that’s the best thing to do.”
I walk my heavy limbs into the bathroom, now seriously considering the possibility of having a baby with a man who hates me so much that he won’t even talk to me. It sure as hell isn’t a nice prospect. I haven’t ever been the sort of person to dream about having babies, but I guess I always sort of assumed that when the day came, it would be a much happier occasion.
I pull out the instructions and run my eyes over them, already sort of knowing what I need to do. I have to pee on the stick, and it will tell me either way. Simple, easy . . . fucking life-changing.
A tear leaks from my eye as I sit. I can’t keep it inside. I’m a total mess, so much so that I might not be able to see the results when they come along.
Whatever the results are, I’ll be fine . . . I’ll be okay.
Honestly.