“He can’t move. He doesn’t have the money.”
“He did when he had his parent’s life insurance money.” Millie sighs as she sees my expression. “Look, I know you think that I’m being harsh, but it isn’t like that. He’s old enough now, and plenty of time has passed. There’s no excuse for him to still be playing the victim. The more you bail him out, the more you’re enabling him. I’m sending this message, turning your phone off, and we’re going out to dinner.”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let go of the tight knot of anxiety in my stomach, but I try. I do know that Millie is right. By helping him, I’m not actually helping to get Lucas out of his hole, but it’s hard.
“Yeah, okay.” I gulp noisily. “Where do you want to go for dinner? My treat.”
“Oh anywhere. You know me . . . I’m not fussy. Somewhere they sell pizza.”
She chucks my cell phone to the side, flicking the now black screen at me. I can’t rest. What she’s just done weighs heavily in my stomach, like someone has shoved a rock down my throat.
“Stop looking at it. You can cope without your phone, and Lucas can cope without you.”
“Yeah, I know. I just feel weird about it, that’s all. Leaving him out there with nothing but those monsters.”
“Then let’s get you out the house quick before you do something stupid. And while we’re out, we can decide how we’re going to redecorate your place. I cannot in good conscience let you live there like that any longer.”
“It isn’t a bad apartment . . . just minimalistic. I like it like that. I don’t need lots of stuff.”
“Girl, you have nothing. It’s almost like it’s a stopgap. You need to settle in.”
“Yeah . . . settle in. Sure, you’re right. I just need to buy some stuff that makes it mine.”
“Which you will be quite capable of doing if you stop giving your money to idiot ex-boyfriends to throw down the drain. With Lucas out the way, you can actually get yourself something nice.”
But I already know that I won’t be able to settle anywhere ever again, not until I know that Lucas is okay. Millie might have actually just made things a million times worse with her message. Now I need to speak to him.
* * *
“What the fuck was that message about?” Lucas’s tone makes me wince. “I’ve been so freaked out.”
“I’m sorry, Lucas, it was Millie. She thinks I need to stop bailing you out. I just called to see if you’re okay.”
“Well, I’m not. You know I wouldn’t ask you for anything if I didn’t have to. It isn’t like I enjoy relying on you, Jodi. You have a real fucking hold on me, and you probably love it. Keeps me hanging on.”
“What are you talking about?” I clutch my hand to my chest as an actual physical pain rushes through me. “I don’t want that at all. We broke up because we aren’t suited for one another, not for anything else.”
“I know, but I know your past too. You like to keep guys dangling. I’m not an idiot.”
His words wind me. Hearing it from other people is bad enough, but coming from him, it kills me. After everything I’ve done for him, he should be the one person always on my side.
“You know what, I don’t need this, Lucas. I just called to be sure you’re okay, which you obviously are.”
“No, I’m not. They’re fucking going to kill me this time. I’m serious, Jodi. I’m fucking dead.”
“Why? What have you done this time? Why can’t you stop doing crazy things?”
“It isn’t crazy. It really was a sure thing this time. I don’t know how it all went wrong.”
“You always say it’s a sure thing, and it never is. Why can’t you just keep away from it all?”
“Because it’s fucking everywhere. Because I’m in a giant fucking hole that you can’t really help me with. Because all I need is one big win and everything will be sweet. That’s why.”
“But you never get that one big win. It isn’t ever going to happen. It’s time to give up.”
“And do what? What else am I supposed to do? There isn’t anything else for me.”
“Maybe if you tried moving away. You could start a new life somewhere—”