“Are you okay?” Isaac asks me quietly. “Do you need me to do anything?”
“I’m good.” I suck in a couple of deep breaths. “At least, I think I am.”
I have been asked to talk, to read a poem or something, but I can’t. At least, not in front of everyone, I will crumble. I know that Jane would do it for me, but I also think she’d understand. I’m going to speak my words of love only to her, so she knows how I feel… although I think she knows anyway.
“Let’s take our seats. I think it’s about to start now.”
I allow him to take me and listen intently to the service. The priest is friendly, he’s caring, and that’s why I chose him. I know that he’ll be able to do Jane justice… and he does. He really does. His words make me well up, but I’m not crying with sadness, I’m just remembering how awesome Jane was. Every moment that we shared together in our lives flows through my memory, and I feel really good as they do. It was short, Jane’s time on this planet didn’t last nearly long enough, but she had a good time while she was here. She made the most of it.
I suppose at least her and our mom are together now, which is something.
The service is lovely. Everything goes well, and I feel great knowing that I had a hand in it. Sure, Isaac did the majority because he had to while I fell apart, but I had an input and I can really feel it. Once the service is over, it’s time to head outside, to see her coffin being lowered into the ground. It’s probably the hardest bit of all, I get really choked up about it, but I just about manage to hold it together.
Knowing this grave is where Jane’s body will remain forever is hard to digest. But at least I will have somewhere to visit her, talk to her when I need to. It’s really challenging to find any positives in this situation, but there are the odd couple here and there, if I look hard enough. There is a lot that I can’t control, that I’ll never be able to control, but I can sort out how I react to things.
“Do you need some time alone?” Isaac asks once everyone else walks off. “With Jane?”
“Yes please.” I smile at him gratefully. “Thank you.”
He holds my hands for a couple of seconds before walking off, leaving me with Jane’s head stone. The tears are rolling, but there’s a smile playing on my lips, just for her.
“I’m sorry that you had to go, Jane,” I start softly. “You know I wish it wasn’t so. I would do anything to have you back here with me… but I know that isn’t possible. It will be more difficult, but I survived losing Mom and I suppose I will survive losing you as well.” I reach out and touch her gravestone, not really enjoying how cold it is. It needs to have the same warmth as Jane. “I know that you sent Isaac to me, and I’m grateful for that. I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. He means a lot to me. I love him. And having him around for the baby is much better.” I sigh loudly. “It seems like he’s sort of fixed things with his family a bit. And he’s starting his own business too, so his life is on the right track. I’m… well I’m going to have to get ready to be a mom, aren’t I? I don’t know how well I’m going to do at that.”
I can almost hear her saying that I will be good at being a mother, just because she always has confidence.
“I will make sure my baby knows about Auntie Jane though, you can be sure of that. Your influence will live on, because you’re an inspiration, an amazing sister, and a wonderful person. I’m going to live for you, Jane, make sure that I make the most of every day for you. I will get a life and do it right.” I nod and chuckle through the tears. “I know that’s all you’ve ever wanted for me and now I’m going to do it. I love you, Jane, you will always be one of the most important people in my life. I will never forget you.”
I stay with her for a while longer before I eventually walk away, knowing that it won’t be for the last time. But Jane always wanted me to get a life, and now it’s time to start that, to begin that living. For her.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Isaac
“Are you looking forward to today?” I ask Lexi, holding her hand tight. “We’re going to see our baby.”
She smiles at me, a genuine grin. She’s started doing that a lot more recently. I know that she isn’t going to ever fully move on from what happened, but she’s getting stronger by the moment, which makes me incredibly proud. She’s over come so much.
“I can’t wait… and we can finally find out if we’re having a boy or a girl.”
My eyes almost pop out of my head. “Does that mean you want to find out?”
She giggles. “Yes, I’ve finally decided. I know that you do, I can read your body language like a book, and I know that you’ve been patient with me making a choice, because you want to do whatever I want to make me happy, but now I want to know. I can’t wait any longer to find out. I need to know.”
I squeeze her hand a couple of times, excitement blooming in me. Everything that Lexi just said is right. I’m desperate to know what we’re having, but I didn’t want to push her. She’s been through so much, so of course I would be happy to do whatever she wants. I’m over the moon to know that we’ll find out though.
“Do you have any preference what we’re having?” I ask excitedly.
“I don’t mind. As long as our child is healthy, that’s all I care about.”
“Mmm, me too. I can see us having an awesome time with our child, no matter whether a boy or a girl!”
She leans her head against my shoulder and drifts off into a daydream. I can almost see that she’s wishing Jane was here, coming to see the baby with us, and I do too. I know this must be hard for her because she doesn’t have good experiences with the hospital before now, but I’m hoping this will turn her around.
“Are we still going to see your mother after this?” Lexi asks. Her nerves are on edge.
“Don’t worry, Mom is going to love you,” I reassure her. “You have nothing to panic about.”
“I haven’t ever met a boyfriend’s parents before though, and it’s scary.”