“Jane.” I spin to see her sickly green face. She looks rough as hell. “Oh my God, Jane.”
I race to her side and help her walk back to bed. She leans against me a little which shows how serious this is. She never likes to let anyone give her assistance. It’s her greatest strength and biggest weakness all rolled into one. This is fucked up, treatment is supposed to make her feel better, not worse.
“Jane, what’s going on? What’s happened to you? Do I need to get someone…?”
“No, no don’t get anyone, I’m fine. I am fine, honestly. This is… this is normal.”
“Being sick like this? No, this doesn’t seem normal to me. I’m going to get someone.”
Her hand wraps around me hard and she keeps me in place with a surprising strength. “Lexi, this is normal. It’s a part of the treatment. Getting sick afterwards, it’s normal. Don’t freak out.”
She lies back on the bed and closes her eyes. I honestly don’t think that she’s noticed that I’m late. She’s been too busy throwing up and feeling like shit. Even worse than normal. There’s a sheen of sweat across her forehead and her cheeks are pale as all hell. I don’t like it, this isn’t what I paid for.
I rub her head a little, blinking rapidly to stop myself from crying. This experimental treatment is supposed to be the answer. All of my hopes have been pinned upon it. I don’t want to lose my hope.
Once I’m fully sure that Lexi is asleep, I head to find Doctor Brady. I won’t leave here today until I have some answers, this feels all kind of wrong to me. Determination surges, a fierce fight to defend my sister and her health as much as I can overshadows anything else.
“It’s just the first treatment,” Doctor Brady tells me calmly once I peter out, my rant that I’ve
barely been paying attention to the words of, coming to a sad end. “Things will change and progress. The sickness is to be expected, we discussed this with Jane before we started, and she consented. She knows what to expect.”
“But will it start making her better? I really want to see some progress from this.”
Doctor Brady touches my shoulder reassuringly, but his words don’t match his actions. “We will keep you updated at all times. And any time you have any questions, please feel free to come to me.”
He isn’t giving me anything definitive, no real clues as to what will happen, which is worrying, but I suppose that’s to be expected with experimental treatments. They can’t give answers, can they?
“So, what can I do?” I plead. “How can I help Jane? I want to do whatever I can.”
“Just be there for her when she needs you. That’s really all that you can do.”
That doesn’t sound like much, it doesn’t really sound like anything to be honest. Just be there. The shittiest advice ever. But if that’s all I can do, then I will do it. I will be here for Jane as much as I can be. Every day after work. No more sex with Isaac, even if it is going well at the moment. I will have to put my own life behind me and focus on Jane. She needs me right now and that’s all that matters.
I nod and head back to Jane’s room, determined to stay there for as long as I can. Visiting hours mean nothing when Jane is in such a bad shape. I am going to become part of the hospital’s furniture.
Life blurs into the background. Nothing means anything anymore. Only Jane. She’s the only thing I can focus on. I keep working hard at my job because I need it so badly to pay for the treatment, but that’s all. Things are still okay with Isaac… I think. He might be mad because I haven’t been as warm to him as I was before, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t stay late again because I need to be at the hospital with Jane to make her feel better. Treats, when she can stomach that, magazines and books to read when she can focus, stuff to cuddle when it gets too much for her… I can’t do much, but whatever I can do, I am going to give it my best.
“Lexi, do you have a moment?” Isaac asks just as I’m rapidly gathering up my things to leave. I need to pop to the store today in between work and the hospital, so I want to get out as quickly as I can.
“Er, a minute?” I don’t, I really fucking don’t. But I also need to be here. No matter what is going on around me, it doesn’t matter how many days I haven’t wanted to come in, the need to remain here wins out.
“Yes, it won’t take long.” I notice that he can barely look at me. “Just a moment, in my office.”
My heart thunders, this can’t be good. It’s going to be terrible, isn’t it? If he fires me, I will have to do whatever I can to hold it together, make sure that he doesn’t let me go. I don’t need to tell him the truth about what I’m doing all of this for because then he’ll see me differently. He’ll feel sorry for me, and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m not the one suffering.
“What… what’s going on, Isaac?” I ask, needing him to speak right away. I’m on the edge, unable to take any tension.
“I just wanted to check in on you, Lexi. You really haven’t been yourself this last week or so. I have been giving you space because… well, it’s a bit complicated between us, isn’t it? But I can’t let it go by any longer, because I’m worried about you. I keep… well, worrying about you.”
Those words are touching, but misplaced. I’m not the one to be worried about. I plaster a giant smile on my face to try and convince him that everything about to come out of my mouth is the truth.
“Isaac, I’m fine. I just have a lot going on at the moment, that’s all.”
“Anything you want to talk about?” he asks with desperation. “I can help you?”
“I…” I do want to talk about it, to unload just a little, but it isn’t right. I don’t deserve that. “No.”
“Okay.” He leans back, clearly disappointed. “Well is there anything that I can do?” I shake my head hard. “Time off work, anything like that?” I shake no, again. Of course I would love it, but I need the money more. Plus, Jane is in treatment all day. There isn’t a damn thing that I can do for her during then. “Right, I see…”