Lexi
The music thumps so loudly it rocks through my body, the drink is bitter, I’m not enjoying the spice of drinking it at all. The lights flicker, infecting my vision, making me blink a whole load of times. I don’t feel right. I’m with a group of people that I know from the waitressing job I used to have, so I should fit right in… but I don’t. When Tammy, who I used to work with, called me up for a night of fun because she and the other girls miss me, I jumped on the chance… only now, I don’t feel right here. I feel as if I don’t belong.
As they all laugh and jump around on the dance floor, having the time of their lives, giddy and carefree, there’s a chasm of difference between us. This all feels pointless and annoying to me, it’s like the moment Jane got taken into the hospital, I have outgrown this lifestyle.
I sigh and suck back my drink, desperate for a bit of a buzz. This is supposed to be a night for me to blow off some steam, which I should need after everything that I have been through, but it’s more of a chore than fun.
“Come on, let’s dance Lexi!” Tammy screams while waving her hands wildly at me. “Join us.”
I hold my glass high and make the sign for one minute, not that I intend to join them. I will only bring their energy down and make them miserable as well… either that, or I will be unable to have fun and it will just be awkward for me. Neither way is good for me, and I’m not in the mood for it.
What is wrong with me? I ask myself angrily. Why am I not like everyone else?
The problem is, my life is different. It’s been different for a very long time. Ever since my mom got sick, I haven’t been the same as everyone else. I haven’t usually let that bother me, but tonight it does. I guess that’s because before, I would always have Jane with me, someone to complain to, and now it’s difficult with her situation. While I can talk to her about things, it isn’t the same. I need to be careful because she’s sick.
All night it has been obvious, all night it’s been a big part of me. The knowledge that while they are chatting, being carefree and fun, I have blended into the background. I haven’t had anything to say, because I don’t have the same lives as them. I don’t have the fun and freedom, and I don’t even work with them now, so I don’t even have anything to say in that department. I can’t complain along with them.
All of a sudden, unexpected tears well up behind my eyes, as a strong sense of loneliness overcomes me. I really do feel like I’m completely alone. No one can understand what I’m going through, at work, with Isaac, or with Jane. Plus, the knowledge that I might end up with nothing soon, no anchor, is too much.
No, don’t think like that, I scold myself. The treatment will begin soon. Jane will be fine.
I hastily wipe the tears away from my eyes and head to the bar. I need another drink, even if I’m not enjoying it. I need something to burn, and take this pain away. To stop this boredom as well. There needs to be something that I can do to enjoy myself, to make this a little better, before I give up and leave.
I get in line at the bar and stand behind a man taller than me with longer black hair, the sort that I would usually like. I watch him for a moment, until he must sense my eyes upon him, and he spins around.
“Hey.” His eyes light up, he looks pleased to see me… not that I know him. “I like your outfit.”
I glance down at my rockabilly dress and smile. “Thank you very much, I like it too!”
“You’re the first cool girl that I have seen here all night. I think that me and you should hang out.”
He has piercings, a band tee shirt on, a real ‘I’m with the band’ look, which I would normally love. I do like it, it looks really cool on him. It’s a bit like the way that all of my exes look, but I’m indifferent. I don’t know why. There isn’t a glimpse of excitement in me at all.
“Thanks, yeah, maybe we should,” I reply a little distractedly. “I do have my friends here.”
“Yeah, my friends are here too, but I would much rather hang out with you.”
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I plaster a smile on my face but it’s fake. In this moment, all that I can think about is Isaac. Sure, there are no promises between us, it’s definitely not a ‘thing’, it’s more of a business arrangement, but even talking to this man feels a little wrong.
Do I have feelings for Isaac, my boss? I grip my hands around my stomach. Do I really feel something for him?
That’s seriously dangerous. Feeling anything for that man is a risk. I never ever thought when I went into this situation, that there was the slightest chance that I would end up catching feelings… but I might be there. Shit, that’s seriously problematic. I’m going to end up a freaking mess if that happens. I don’t want heart break, I’m not in the right frame of mind for it. I don’t know if I can take that with everything else that’s going on.
“So, do you want a drink?” my new unwelcome friend asks me. “I can buy one for you…”
I glance in his eyes, wondering if I should cleanse my pallet a bit, have a chat with a man who isn’t Isaac, to prove to myself that I’m not too attached to him, but honestly, it isn’t worth it. I don’t want any of it. I certainly don’t want to lead this man on, when it definitely isn’t going to go anywhere.
“Actually, do you know what, I think I need to get going. I have somewhere to be.”
His eyes grow wide, he looks shocked as hell. Like my rejection of him comes as a massive surprise. I don’t like that, I’m allowed to reject him if I want to. He doesn’t control me, I don’t even know him. If I don’t have any promises when it comes to Isaac, then I certainly don’t have any promises to some guy I don’t know the name of. I barely even listen to him as he replies to me, my brain is already somewhere else.
“Oh, but… I thought that we were getting somewhere here…”
I roll my eyes. I wasn’t going to end up in bed with this guy if he bought me a drink. What did he expect? Not a chance in hell. I shake my head and completely ignore him, turning to leave. I glance at my friends who are still on the dance floor, wondering if I should bother saying goodbye, but they look like they’re having the best time so there’s no point in bothering them with this. I will just call Tammy tomorrow and tell her that I felt sick, so I had to get out. She will understand, I’m sure. And if she doesn’t, then she just won’t ask me out again, which is a shame but it’s fine with me. I haven’t enjoyed it anyway.
I grab my bag and head towards the exit, a weight lifting off my shoulders as I go. As soon as I head out into the fresh air, I breathe in deep, and smile to myself. The night club life is not for me, not anymore. I might be young, that might be what is considered fun, but I’m over it. I have better things to do. I’m different, my life is my own, and I am going to live it in the best way that I can. And right now, there is only one place I want to be.
I flag down a cab and immediately read off the address of the hospital. I would much rather be with Jane than in any night club. I would love to be by her side, talking with her, and forgetting everything else. I know that visiting hours are over, but if I get the right nurse, they might just let me in anyway. Sometimes, they do.