“Last summer, you said that I held the chess pieces. Well, this is what I’m doing with them. We don’t belong together.” I say, stronger than before, standing perfectly tall.
“NO! I’m taking them back. This isn’t what you’re doing with them!” he yells again, and I almost flinch.
“You can’t just take them back, Rowen. This is what I want. Move on, be with someone who can fully be with you without having this ugly, wicked past always looming over them.”
“I don’t want anyone else, Sadie.” I can literally hear my heart ripping in half. I have to leave now, or else I won’t. The pain in his voice ricochets throughout my body and I honestly want to plug my ears. This is better, you’re saving yourself. Go!
I turn to leave, but his hand on my arms pulls me back. I shut my eyes quickly and turn around to face him again.
He whispers, tilting my head up with his hand. My eyes meet his and I know he can see right through me. “Is this really what you want? Will this make you happy? Being without me?”
I look at his eyes, his lips, his strong nose, his broad jawline—memorizing every single detail, then I muster up, “Yes.” And his fingers leave my arm. He backs up, never leaving my gaze. I take the opportunity to jump in my car, and I mouth “I’m sorry” to him before taking off down the road, faster than ever.
I get the courage to peek in my rearview mirror and see him, standing there, looking completely defeated. His one arm is hanging loosely by his side and his other is at the bridge of his nose. The sun is casting a perfect glow behind him, almost outlining his body. I have to turn my gaze away, before I turn my car back around. Before I even make it out of the parking lot, a loud sob escapes my throat. It’s a deep sob, uncontrollable, but I keep driving. I drive all the way until I get to that familiar, calming house out in the middle of nowhere. Where the farmland comforts me, as does the giant who tends to it.
I walk up to James’ rickety wooden porch, and take a seat on his wooden, white rocking chair. He comes out of his house, slowly, taking one look at my face and then pulling out his handkerchief to hand to me. I use it to wipe the tears that won’t stop. He sits beside me in the other chair, looking out at the distance. Giving me the silence that I need, for a little while.
“I think I gave you some bad advice.” I turn my head and take in his appearance. He’s still wearing his jean overalls, stained with mud and dirt. I’m not sure how that’s possible since it’s barely reached seven in the morning.
He continues on, when I won’t speak. “I told you to forgive but never forget, and I still stand by that. My mama was a smart woman, a brilliant woman. But, I learned something along this crazy ride of a life, Sadie.”
I croak, “What’s that?”
“When I said to forgive but never forget, I didn’t mean for the never forgetting part to ruin your present. Never forgetting don’t mean you need to be held back from what your heart wants; it just means you gotta to be stronger. Willing to fight so that thing you’re never forgetting, don’t happen again.”
“But what if I can’t help it from happening again?”
“There’s ways around it, my sweet Sadie. There’s always a detour, you just really have to look for it.”
I let that sink in as we sit in silence for the next hour, peaceful in each other’s presence. There’s always a detour. So far, I haven’t found one and I don’t plan on it. Rowen and I, we’re done. We’re done so I can save myself from an even worse heartbreak.
Part Four
Two Months Later
Sadie & Rowen
Twenty-Six
ROWEN
When Sadie left two months ago, it nearly killed me. It ripped me in half. I’m not one to get too sappy and say how much it broke my heart into a million little pieces or anything, but it did. She fucking destroyed me. When she left, she took me with her. Not physically, that is, but in every other way possible.
She’s always had me, even when she thought she didn’t. After the attack three years ago, when I saw her lying in that hospital bed, tubes flowing from beneath her nose, gauze on her face, brown hair spread out all around her—even then she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I almost threw up that night, right there in her hospital room. Her mom was there, sleeping beside her on a small couch beneath the window. I walked over to the end of Sadie’s bed and I couldn’t hold back the silent tears. They fell from my face and landed on the end of her bed, where her feet were, underneath the white cotton blanket. I took one last look at her, feeling the pit in my stomach grow larger and then I left.
I left because I was ashamed, and confused. Then everything else just spiraled out of control. I left her lying there in that hospital bed and I’ll probably never forgive myself for making that colossal mistake. But somehow Sadie learned to forgive me. It was like all my prayers had been answered from up above. I did everything I could to make it up to her, to show her that I love her and that I’d never leave her again.
But it wasn’t enough.
She still left me in the end and here I am, sitting in my apartment on our shitty, cracked leather couch with Kyle going on about the latest football game he watched and I can’t even focus on what he’s truly saying. His voice is like background static, there enough that I can hear it, but I can’t quite focus on it. I’m too busy thinking about Sadie and if I should have gone after her or not.
I’ve driven halfway to Duke and back, more times than I care to admit. It’s embarrassing, really, how torn up I am about this entire situation. How I’ve almost driven over to her apartment to beg, literally beg on my hands and knees, for her to rethink this. For her to remember that she loves me just as much as I love her. But every time I saw a sign for Duke University, I’d turn my truck around, realizing that if there’s one thing I know about Sadie, it’s that she needs time.
Fucking time.
It’s an annoying thing if you think about it. Always waiting. The clock is always ticking and time is always running out.