“Yes, strange indeed,” Raven murmured, preferring not to reflect on regrets or might-have-beens.
Her letter to Kell was the hardest to compose, and she saved it for last. In it, she expressed sorrow for his loss of his brother and regret for ever involving Kell in her life. And she clearly stated her wish for a divorce. She posted the letter two days before she was due to depart. By the time he received it in Ireland, Raven knew, she would have sailed.
Her final two days were spent packing and settling final details. Her maid, Nan, had chosen to accompany her to the Caribbean, so she would have companionship on the long voyage. Her biggest concern was for her horses, but Halford offered to take them into his most excellent stables so Raven could rest easy.
Otherwise she concentrated on keeping herself too busy to feel or dwell on the grief that was throbbing inside her like a wound.
It touched her that the Lasseter servants seemed as if they would genuinely miss her. And surprisingly, quite a number of her friends called on her to say farewell.
On Tuesday evening she dined with Brynn and Lucian at their London residence and returned to a quiet house. There was nothing more for her to do. The Wycliffs planned to see her off on her voyage tomorrow. Her trunks had already been conveyed to the docks, and she would board in the afternoon and sail with the evening tide.
She would have liked to say good-bye to Dare, but he was evidently still away from town, for she’d received no word from him.
She prepared for bed that night with an aching heart. When she lay down to sleep, though, she forced herself to shut her eyes and ignore her tormenting thoughts of Kell.
On the morrow she would turn her back on England, where she had known such happiness and heartbreak. She would put the past behind her and embark on her new life. And she would do her damnedest to forget Kell Lasseter-if she only could.
He came to her that night, her fantasy lover. Naked, he stretched out beside her on the bed, his hand slowly sweeping her body, stroking, cupping her breast.
When she flinched at his touch, though, he rose above her, staring down with hot intensity. Questions filled his dark eyes, then pain as he realized the truth. He wasn’t welcome.
She turned away without speaking.
“So this is good-bye?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “You are sending me away?”
“I’m sorry.”
His hand cradled her cheek, turning her face back to his. His fingertips brushed her lips with heartrending gentleness. “Your sorrow is not for me. You have no need of me any longer. You need him. You love him.”
“Yes, heaven help me. I love him.”
“But you cannot have him. Or his love.”
“No.” She lowered her head, meaning to bury her face against his hard chest, but gave a start as she met only empty air. He had faded away.
She squeezed her eyes shut. The longing inside her was like a knife blade, sharp, searing, unbearable. She could only hope that someday, in time, the pain would fade to a distant memory and become as illusionary as her imaginary lover.
Chapter Twenty-two
“Are you certain this is what you really want?” Brynn asked as she said farewell to Raven at the dock.
Because of Brynn’s advanced state of pregnancy, Lucian had not allowed his wife to board the ship, so the two women were saying their good-byes in the privacy of the Wycliff carriage.
No, I’m not certain, Raven wanted to answer. The closer she came to departing, the harder her stomach churned with misgivings. Was she making a mistake by leaving England?
&n
bsp; “You don’t think you should wait a while longer?” Brynn added quietly. “Wouldn’t Kell wish to know of your plans?”
Raven shook her head. Her plans would matter little to him. There would be no point in delaying. She couldn’t imagine that Kell would ever come to forgive her, that he could come to love her the way she did him. Nor could she bear to see the pain and accusation in his eyes. He blamed her for his brother’s death, and that was just too enormous a barrier for love to overcome. And her leaving would make it easier for Kell to dissolve their marriage.
“It will be less painful this way for both of us,” she said at last.
Brynn put her arms around Raven, hugging her close. “I shall miss you dreadfully.”
“And I you,” Raven replied, feeling the tears starting to come.
Determinedly she brushed them away and gathered her reticule. “You must promise to write me frequently, and to let me know at once when the baby is born, whether it is a son or a daughter.”