“So you did.” Kate managed a careless laugh. “Forgive me, but I had some thought of trying to save your life.”
“My worthless hide, you mean?”
She dimpled. “I did not say that. I did not even think it.”
“I imagine you were angry with me.”
She had been furious and heartbroken and afraid for him. Deverill had hurt her, although it was not wholly his fault. Apparently he had never harbored the same feelings for her that she had felt for him.
“I have forgotten all about that unfortunate incident,” she lied. “A true gentleman would endeavor to do the same.”
His smile was wry. “That is one event I could never forget.”
“Well, I distinctly recall my mortification.”
The laughter left his eyes. “I admit, I was greatly to blame. I led you on by kissing you the previous night. But refusing you was my only honorable course.”
She lowered her gaze to a button on Deverill’s coat. “You clearly didn’t want me.”
“Untrue. I simply had to discourage you from making an irreversible mistake.”
Even as a sop to her pride, his admission was not particularly heartening. “Your discouragement was highly effective,” she said softly.
“Kate—” He stopped and reconsidered whatever he had meant to say. “What kind of man would I be if I’d taken your innocence? My duty was to my country. I had to leave, and I didn’t know when or if I would ever return.”
She met his eyes again. “If you would be killed in battle, you mean.”
“Yes. If I had taken you, I would have been obliged to stay.”
That had been her goal, persuading him to stay instead of sailing off to fight a war against her own countrymen.
In her defense, she had thought she stood a chance. The night before at a ball, Deverill had given her a stunning farewell kiss, meant as goodbye. That thrilling, stolen embrace had shaken her down to her satin slippers and set her world askew. Worse, it had started her dreaming.
She’d wanted to tell him how she felt as well as beg him not to leave England. So she went to his hotel rooms and waited for him to return. Her scheme to seduce him truly was not premeditated, however. The longer she waited, the greater the temptation to use her budding feminine wiles, which had served her well in the past. Impulsively she’d undressed and climbed into his bed.
Memory descended in vivid detail: the flaming embarrassment flooding her body, the hurt stabbing her heart at his unceremonious rebuff. She had never behaved so wantonly—and had ardently vowed never to risk such painful rejection again.
Willing the memory away, Kate smiled brightly. “You will be pleased to know I have conquered my obsession with you. I will not make a fool of myself a second time.”
When he didn’t answer, she searched his face. “Surely you are relieved, my lord. You won’t have to send me packing as you did the last time. You needn’t fear my unwanted advances.”
“A pity,” he murmured.
His comment confused her. “What did you say?”
“Nothing of consequence.” Oddly, his gaze softened. “If it is any consolation, I was extremely flattered by your offer. I was wildly attracted to you.
I simply couldn’t act on my desire.”
His concession captured her full attention. “You desired me?”
His faint chuckle was self-deprecating. “Of course I desired you, as did countless other hapless males.”
It was gratifying to think her own wild attraction then had not been wholly one-sided. As foolish as it was, beneath her surface confidence, self-doubt had been eating away at her all these years since.
Kate gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter now. It happened a long time ago. I was a mere girl then. Girls are inclined to do idiotic things.”
“And now you are a beautiful woman.”