“Hey! That’s fucking mean. Also true. I tend to be rather gullible. And now that I’ve let you monologue, I think we’re going to end this right about—”
“Not so fast, Sam. Or should I say Mervin.”
I whirled around.
Next to the fireplace stood the worst person in the entire world.
My most mortal of enemies.
I snarled, “Lady Tina DeSilva. I should have known this had your foul stench all over it! Tell me, when you slithered out of the sewer in which you reside, did you decide today would be a good day to die? Because you shall rue. There will be ruing.”
“Oh boy,” Ryan said.
Lady Tina was wearing a pink-and-white frilly dress that came down to her ankles and was cinched tight at her trim waist. Her blonde curls were held back by a pink ribbon in her hair. Her fingernails were perfectly manicured and her makeup expertly applied. She was shockingly bright and out of place in the grime of the house we stood in. And I wanted nothing more than to pick up a handful of soot from the fireplace and rub it all over her stupid fucking face until she choked with it—
“Sam of Wilds,” she tittered. “How lovely it is to finally meet you face-to-face without a ridiculous disguise between us.”
“Ha! A disguise that fooled you for months! Take that, you abhorrent wench.”
“This is probably going to take a while,” Ryan told Caleb. “So we’re gonna need to hold off on that mothercracking behind-kicking I promised you. Don’t worry. It’ll still happen.”
“Revenge,” Caleb hissed.
“Right,” Ryan sighed. “That. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one who’s wanted revenge. It’s kind of a thing.”
“Oh please,” Lady Tina sniffed. “I never believed you to be who you said you were. I only allowed you into the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter because I felt sorry for you. You had my pity.”
“You liar. I got in because I knew more about Ryan Foxheart than you ever did!”
She scowled at me. “His favorite time of year!”
“Fall, because he loves the way the leaves crunch under his feet! What fruit does he hate the most?”
“Lemons, because he doesn’t understand the point of them!”
“Are they just a garnish?” Ryan asked Caleb. “I mean, you can’t eat them by themselves. Talk about a waste of fruit flesh.”
Tina thought for a sec
ond before her eyes narrowed. “His hobbies include swordsmanship, boxing, and?”
“Waking up at dawn and going for a seven-mile run like an asshole,” I crowed in triumph.
“This is very odd for me,” Ryan told Caleb. “I mean, I’m standing right here, you know?”
“How many orgasm faces does Ryan have?”
“Six,” Tina exclaimed.
“Damn you, wench!”
“I don’t want to know how they know that,” Ryan told Caleb. “I didn’t even know that. Well, Sam should know that. But the girl? That’s just weird.”
“The most push-ups Ryan has ever done!”
“Four hundred and seventy-six! His favorite song to sing!”
“‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’! His waist size!”