“I’m so good at negotiation,” Kevin whispered to me.
“We’re not negotiating!”
He ignored me. “Hear ye, hear ye, oh gigantic dragon! In exchangeth for your services in destroying the villain knowneth as Myrin, I offer to you a favor in return!”
“And what favor is this?” the Great White asked.
“Maybe you should stop talking,” I suggested to Kevin. “Seeing as how he could eat us both in a single bite.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, pretty,” Kevin said. “I’m a dragon. He’s a dragon. We’re practically best friends already. Besides, I know how to handle situations just like this.” He raised his voice again as he addressed the Great White. “Thou are truly a gracious dragon. And I promise, no trickery to attract thou thither.”
“That’s not even a word!”
“It is so a word! Forgive him, oh significant one! He knoweth not of what he spaketh. He is a human, so therefore he is naturally stupideth and tiny and smells odd, but I like him, so I put up with him. Thou art understandeth me?”
“Put up with me? Now you wait just a godsdamn minute—”
“A favor!” Kevin said brightly, though something sounded off about it. “If you assist us in our quest of the destiny of dragons to end the darkness that surrounds Verania, I shall bestow upon you the greatest thing I have to give: my hoard.”
“And furthermore, it is I who has to put up with you—wait. What?”
“My hoard,” Kevin repeated, not looking down at me. “I will give unto you my hoard.”
“You would give to me your hoard?” the Great White said, sounding surprised for the first time since I’d heard him speak.
“Kevin,” I said, feeling numb. “You can’t. You know what your hoard means to you. It’s—”
“It’s not much,” Kevin admitted. “I have a lot of books because I adore stories of adventure. And I have brooms. Many, many brooms for reasons I do not wish to discuss presently. But there are gold and gems and coins and all manner of shiny things. But I would give it to you if it meant you would help us.”
“All of it?” the Great White asked as thunder rippled overhead.
Kevin swallowed thickly. “All of it.”
“Stop,” I said hoarsely. “You stop it. You hear me? You stop it right now. You stupid dragon. Why would you do that?”
Kevin finally looked down at me. “Because it’s the only thing I have to give, Sam. Of course I would give it up for you. And besides, I have a second hoard already that I refuse to part with. Do you know what that hoard is?”
I shook my head, blinking away the burn.
He pulled me up until we were eye level, leaning close. “Are you ready? Are you ready to hear what my second hoard is?”
I nodded slowly, sure that I was about to hear the greatest secret in the known world.
He whispered, “I would give him my hoard of books and brooms and shinies, because I already have a second hoard that means more to me than anything else. It’s the hoard of friendship.”
I gaped at him.
He stared at me, eyes wide, unblinking.
I gaped at him some more.
He had to blink a little because of the rain.
“Dude,” I finally managed to say. “That was the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say ever. And it totally gave me a heart boner! You asshole.”
“Ha! I made you have feelings.”
“You bitch!”