“Huh,” I said. “I think I just did.”
“Wow,” Kevin said. “Sam being the one to ask Ryan. How progressive.”
“How is that progressive?” I asked. “We’re both men.”
“True,” Kevin said. “But you’re… daintier.”
“Guys,” Justin said again.
“Daintier?” I growled. “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You want to marry me?” Ryan asked.
“You’re going to be the most perfect flower half-giant,” Gary sobbed at Tiggy. “There will never be one as beautiful as you.”
“I am beautiful,” Tiggy said as he cried.
“It’s just,” Kevin said. “You know. You’re… dainty.”
“I’ll show you dainty,” I snarled at him.
“Ooh,” Kevin said. “Say that again. That did things to my penis like you wouldn’t believe. And can you call me Captain when you do it? Don’t ask. It’s just a thing.”
“GUYS!” Justin shouted.
“WHAT!” we all shouted back.
“A little fucking help here, you godsdamn assholes!”
I took off down the path, feeling my magic beginning to crawl along my skin. The others were crashing after me, and as we burst into a clearing, I was prepared for anything, be it manticores or fire geckos or a band of roving Darks that needed to be eradicated.
Instead I crashed into Justin’s back, and the others smashed into me. We were all knocked off our feet, landing on top of the Prince on the ground.
“Ow,” I managed to wheeze. “Gary, your hoof… it’s on… my balls.”
“Oh please,” Gary said from somewhere above me. “You act like it’s the first time I’ve ever touched your balls.”
“He touched your balls?” Ryan growled near my shoulder. “Why the hell is he touching your balls? Was that before or after you touched his asshole?”
“Cannot… breathe,” Justin groaned below me.
“I love you guys,” Tiggy said near the top of the pile.
“Huh,” Kevin said, peering down at us. “That looks as if it would be more comfortable if you were all naked. I can help with that if you’d like. I’m down for a Sam Just Got Engaged Orgy.”
“Oh no,” I moaned. “He capitalized it and everything.”
“Sam got engaged?” a high-pitched voice buzzed from above us. “To who?”
We all looked up slowly.
There, fluttering in the air in front of us, were hundreds of tiny naked men with wings.
In the front flew the king of the Dark Woods fairies.
Dimitri.
With his tiny mustache.