“Except the rocks,” Leslie said.
“Except the rocks. Because of course. But lady-dudes, I don’t even know what to say to that. I learn every day that I know nothing about dragons. I mean, one day, I’m just all like, you know, living, and then the next, there’s this gigantic dragon and he’s kidnapping the Prince and telling me he wants to fuck me, and then there’s a quest and the dragon is all of a sudden named Kevin, and then he falls in love with my best friend Gary and they get dragon-unicorn married and have really gross sex where they scream my name—which is emotionally damaging, by the way—and out of nowhere, they suddenly think they’re my parents for some weird magical reason, and then they get divorced and Kevin says he’s moving into a bachelor pad but stays in the exact same spot but still makes me go and play catch on the weekends, and he was talking about getting his ear pierced. His ear. Why would I care if he got his ear pierced, Pat and Leslie?”
“Now it appears to have sprung a leak out its mouth,” Leslie said. “Humans. Can’t live with them, can’t eat them. Well, I can eat them, but given my acid reflux, I rarely indulge anymore. I’m not as young as I once was, you know. It’s really too bad. Humans come in so many different flavors.”
“Oh my goodness,” I whispered.
“Why don’t we just see how things with the rocks go,” Pat told her mate. “You’ve just named them. Shouldn’t that be enough?”
“Princess Monsoon Rains and Bilrock the Destroyer are just stones,” Leslie said.
“Princess Monsoon Rains and Bilrock the Destroyer,” I repeated. “You can name rocks all badass, but you’re Pat and Leslie and Kevin and Zero? What in the balls is wrong with all of you?”
They both leaned forward, snake-quick, causing me to meep and take a stumbling step back.
“Does it have a problem with our names?” Leslie asked, sticky sweet.
“If it does, we can easily correct the situation to our satisfaction,” Pat said, staring directly at my crotch.
I tried to cover myself with my free hand. “Leave my limbs alone!”
“It’s still precious,” Leslie said. “I would squish its face from sunup to sundown.”
Pat sighed, eyes flickering over to her mate. “Of course you would,” she said, but she sounded warm. “It’s one of the things I adore about you.”
Leslie nuzzled Pat on the side of her face.
I couldn’t help it. I said, “Aww. Love.”
They quickly snapped their heads back at me.
I coughed. “I mean. Uh. Continue on. As you were. Don’t mind me here. And you’ll have to ask Kevin if he needs a mother. That is not a conversation I ever want to have with him.”
“Why is that?” Pat asked, tail twitching dangerously. “Do you not care about his well-being?”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know that anyone in the world cares more about his well-being. Except for maybe Gary. Yeah. Gary probably cares more. You know. Because of all the sex. They’re in love. I think. Wait. No. I know they are. I’m not quite sure how this whole trial reconciliation thing works. Or why it’s even a thing. To be honest, I don’t know why many things are things with them.”
“I see,” Leslie said. “So you do care about him.”
I frowned, not understanding where they were going with this. “Of course I do. He’s my friend.”
“You’re not just using him because of your destiny?”
“Ha! Hardly. I don’t know that I would have picked him for my destiny if I had the choice—kidding! Kidding, oh my gods, I was kidding, please put your teeth away! No need to show them to me. I can assure you they’re very big.” I managed to unclench before continuing. “I knew Kevin long before any of this happened.”
“Right,” Pat said. “Because he kidnapped your Prince. You went to slaughter him. Isn’t that how the fairy tales go? A member of the Crown is taken, and the knights and wizard ride in to slay the fearsome beast to rescue their beloveds.”
“Sure,” I said. “And maybe that’s kind of what happened. But not really.
Like, okay. So, there was kidnapping, and knights and wizards went after them (and hornless unicorns and half-giants), and there was a riding in to save them, even though that’s totally racist, and it kind of wasn’t a beloved? Well, we thought it was, but it turns out the knight loved the wizard and not the Prince, and then there was this whole… thing where the wizard and the knight were stupid and oaths and weddings and love confessions in front of large crowds.” I sighed. “My life is an ordeal.”
They stared at me.
“Right,” I said hastily. “That… probably doesn’t matter to either of you. The point I’m trying to make—wait, I totally forgot the point I was trying to make. Shit. Okay. Give me a minute. It’ll come back to me. Okay. Think, Sam. Fairy tales, riding in to save people, love confessions—gods, he’s still an asshole for doing that—and then… oh! Right. Slaying the fearsome beast!”
The feathered dragons didn’t seem to be very impressed. Well, Pat wasn’t. Leslie looked as if she wanted to mother all over my face. It was oddly disconcerting.
I shook my head. “I don’t know if we ever set out to slay Kevin—or the dragon, because we didn’t know who he was then. I was always taught that dragons were to be revered, that their numbers were so few that they were… special. I know that humans and dragons haven’t always had the best histories, but even though Kevin had taken the Prince for his hoard, I didn’t want to hurt him.”