“I don’t like to think about it.”
“Oh. That’s… fair?”
He scoffed. “That’s what you’re going with?”
“Honestly? I’m not sure what else to say.”
“And you’re not going to push?”
“Nah. That’s not my thing. If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. You’re allowed to keep things to yourself. If they don’t involve me, that is. Because any shit that involves me, I demand you tell me right away. No more secrets. Secrets suck. Ryan’s already going to be so pissed at me when I tell him everything.” Which was not something I was looking forward to.
“He doesn’t know about—”
I shook my head. “Everything I wrote and showed you in my Grimoire? Yeah. You’re kind of the only one, dude. So. Yay you, or whatever.”
“Don’t call me dude,” he said, but it lacked its usual heat. Which was good, because I really did prefer the whole wear-you-down method when it came to things. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
I shrugged. “Because I thought I could save him.”
“You’re a moron.”
“Probably.”
He sighed. “But so am I.”
“You won’t hear me arguing.”
“I….” He looked out to the falling snow. Then, “I wanted to forget.”
“Forget what?”
“Magic. Everything. After… after him, I wanted nothing more than to collapse in on myself like a star.”
I couldn’t find a single word to say.
He chuckled ruefully. “At the very least, I wanted to hide myself away from everything. To mourn in isolation. Magic had—I’ve always loved it. Magic. Ever since I was a boy. I was always enchanted by it. That I could do things that others could not. That I could help others in ways they didn’t expect. That I could bend the natural boundaries of the world at my whim. It was… intoxicating.
“Then he—Myrin. He only added to it. I never thought my cornerstone would be another wizard. I’d never heard of such a thing. My mentor warned me against it, telling me that cornerstones were a folly of man. And for a long time, I believed him. I didn’t—I didn’t have a cornerstone. Not even when I passed the Trials. I did it on my own. He didn’t come until after. I was… enchanted. By him. I don’t know that I could have stopped it had I tried.”
The wind howled.
“I don’t know if it was me,” he continued. “I don’t know if it was just him. Or a combination of the two. Or some other reason entirely. I don’t know why he—he did what he did. Why he chose the path to darkness. But he did, and you know what happened after that. Eventually, he was overcome. Eventually, he was locked away. Locked away in hopes that one day he could be purified again. Be the man Morgan and I had loved. But I… I didn’t want it anymore. The magic. I blamed it. For everything that had happened. I pulled the King of Sorrow back from the grip of madness, and I wanted that to be it. I was suffering. I was hurting. I wanted to be selfish. Do you know what stopped me?”
I started to shake my head but stopped myself. “Morgan.”
“Yes. Morgan. He stopped me. He told me that the world needed me, and I it. That one day I would find my way again. Maybe it wouldn’t be with Myrin. Maybe there would be no cure. Maybe we would never see him again. But if I stopped, Morgan said, if I just gave up, then he would have won. And that, no matter what, could not happen.”
He looked down at his hands. “It took a few years. To piece myself back together. For him. But I did, at least temporarily. He passed the Trials. He became Morgan of Shadows by his own choice. He thought it was a way of… honoring his brother. And after, I… let myself fall.”
“What happened then?”
He shook his head. “That’s a story for another day.”
“I’m glad that you didn’t give up,” I said quietly.