“Maybe it should just come back to harbor, then. Set anchor. You could come to my starboard, or I’ll just go to your port.”
“I have no one but myself to blame for this,” Justin muttered.
“Gary,” I gasped. “Your asshole… is sitting… on my hand.”
“I am emotionally compromised,” he moaned. “I can’t be expected to know where all parts of my body are at all times.”
“Don’t die, Sam,” Tiggy wept. “No dying.”
“I’m not gonna die.”
“Oh,” Gary said. “Well, then.” He stopped crying almost immediately. “You should be embarrassed at making such a scene in front of everyone. I mean, if I were you, I know I’d be embarrassed. But this is nice. I feel like we don’t lie on top of each other as much as we used to. You got a boyfriend, I got a husband, you kept said boyfriend while I divorced my husband. But I’m not bitter about that at all. You fucking whore.”
“I love love,” Tiggy said, wiping his eyes.
And maybe my throat was a little tight at the thought of being away from them. Or rather, it would have been if I’d been able to breathe and didn’t have a unicorn’s asshole on my hand.
“I will take Morgan back to Castle Lockes,” Randall said. “I expect this foolishness to be sorted by the time we get back. Sam, be prepared to leave.”
“Maybe we’ll just take him away from here,” Gary said, sounding bitchier than I’d ever heard him before, especially since it was directed toward Randall. Gary might not have always agreed with Randall, but he respected him, especially given Randall’s position.
“I can find you,” Randall said, not unkindly. “Wherever you go.”
“Creepy,” Tiggy whispered to us.
“We’ve discussed this,” Morgan said, trying to smooth things over. “It’s nothing against any of you. It’s a natural part of Sam’s training.”
Well, no. I didn’t think it was. Morgan wasn’t outright lying, per se, but it was stretching the truth quite a bit. I didn’t know why, but I was sure I was going to find out once we got to Castle Freeze Your Ass Off. That was something I wasn’t looking forward to.
“Randall come with us,” Tiggy said wisely. “Could be Epic Adventure of Sam, Gary, Tiggy, Ryan, Kevin, Justin, Randall.”
“Please leave me out of your capitalizations,” Justin said. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you all that.”
“I’ve lived for over six hundred years,” Randall said. “I don’t walk anywhere if I don’t have to.”
“So you’d rather just take Sam with you instead of all of us,” Ryan said, even though I thought he was okay with it. “Taking Sam away from his cornerstone. Taking Kevin’s voice away from him.”
“I want up on your nuts,” I whispered fervently.
Randall and Morgan exchanged a startled look. I didn’t think they’d actually thought about what would happen if I was separated from Kevin.
“I apologize,” Morgan said to the dragon. “We should have considered your bond with Sam.”
“It’s a very deep and loving bond,” Kevin agreed. “But mostly deep. Like that kind of deep when you get that perfect angle and can just thrust your way in and see the bulge in someone’s throat.”
We all stared at him.
He winked at us.
“Sam and I need some time alone,” Randall said.
“Gross,” Gary, Tiggy, and I said at the same time.
“I know what you mean,” Kevin said to Randall. “Congrats to you. Hit that so hard it breaks.”
“Wait,” Ryan said. “What.”
“Wizard to wizard,” Randall clarified.