“Eh,” he said. “You’re all right. A little overrated, but nothing I can’t work with.”
“Ha!” Tiggy said. “Knight Delicious Face for the win!”
Ryan looked rather pleased with himself as Tiggy held out his fist for a bump.
“You both suck,” I muttered. “Just you wait. I’ll show you overrated—”
But my witty and most likely devastating retort was cut off by a pair of approaching Meridian City Guards, huffing and panting as they ran toward us, wooden shields in one hand and long spears in another. One was taller than the other, and so that’s what I decided to name them rather than asking their names. “Sam,” Tall said. “Sam of Wilds!”
“That dragon is quite large,” Short said. “And I am learning suddenly that I have a fear of dragons. What a terrible time to have discovered this.”
“Hush,” Tall said, shoving his elbow against Short. “They’re standing right there. They can hear you!”
“But look at its teeth,” Short breathed, eyes wide, face pale under his helmet. “I bet those can bite right through armor like it was made of butter.”
“Forgive him, Mr. Wilds,” Tall said. “He’s a trainee. Today’s his second day. Unfortunately, he was assigned to shadow me.”
“Please,” I said. I gave my most charming smile. “Call me Sam. Mr. Wilds is my father.”
“That doesn’t even make any sense,” Gary said. “Your dad is Mr. Haversford.”
“Ignore Gary,” I told the guards. “He just got done making love to the ground. You know how it is.”
The guards stared at Gary.
Gary stared right back at them. “I ain’t got no shame. I do what I want.”
“Of all the days for me to get assigned to the gates, it had to be today,” Short said. “Nobody else in my training class has to do this. They’re still in the barracks doing trust falls. I want to be doing trust falls.”
“You can trust fall right into my mouth,” Kevin said, grinning widely, showing many, many teeth. “You look… crunchy.”
“Eep,” Short said. “Oh no, my bowels.”
“Is there something you needed?” Ryan asked, crossing his arms.
Tall turned away from Gary to look at Ryan before bowing quickly. “Apologies, Knight Commander.”
“That’s the Knight Commander?” Short moaned. “Is everyone here famous? Oh my gods, even my knee pits are sweating.”
“HaveHeart for life, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said.
“Would you shut up?” Tall hissed at Short. His smile was forced when he looked back at us. “Once again, my apologies. If you would like, I can make a recommendation for his immediate dismissal.”
“Maybe even have him banished,” I teased. “Oh my gods, that was a joke! Seriously, I was just joking. You didn’t need to vomit!”
Short was wiping his mouth, the remains of some kind of meat on the front of his uniform. “I’m a nervous vomiter,” he said thickly. “When I get nervous, I throw up. And you make me—you make me hup. Hup. Hup.”
Tall smacked him in the back of the head with his spear.
“Ow!” Short cried. “What was that for?”
“So you wouldn’t embarrass me again,” Tall snapped. “Now you can focus on the pain in your head rather than throwing up on a wizard and the commander for the Castle Lockes Guard.”
“And the large dragon who could pop you into his mouth like the little human morsel that you are,” Kevin said.
“He done throwed up all over himself,” Gary said. “You would eat that.”
“Morgan of Shadows and Randall arrived this morning,” Tall said. “They are expecting you at the Tilted Cross.”