I felt Joe nod against my stomach. “I didn’t care about being an Alpha. It didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to be a little brother. I didn’t want to sit in the middle of nowhere and listen to Dad go on and on and on about what my life was going to be like. What I was going to do. Who I was going to be. I didn’t have a choice. This was the way things were supposed to be, and I… wished it was someone else. Anyone else. Even when we came back here, and even when I found Ox, I wondered what it’d be like if I was someone else. Anyone else. Without the title. Without the weight of expectation. Without the name.”
Kelly said, “A rose by any other name,” and it was like we were kids again, it was like we were cubs, and it was all inevitable even if we didn’t know it.
Joe said, “I could just be this little kid with a crush on an older boy who was bigger than all the world.”
Oh, the dreams we’d shared. How close his were to my own. “Candy canes and pinecones.”
He chuckled. “And epic and awesome. A tornado. That’s what he called me. A little tornado, and I think I loved him for it. Even then. Because he knew nothing about wolves, about the scars he couldn’t see. And even when he did find out, it didn’t matter to him. I think Dad could see that. Could see through to the heart of him. Ox isn’t like anyone else.”
“Why?” Kelly asked. “What did Dad see in him? I saw it too, but I couldn’t find a name. I didn’t know what it meant. I still don’t. A human Alpha. A—”
“A unifier,” Joe said, and I felt a chill race down my spine. “I think that’s the best way to describe him. Somehow he can make tethers out of nothing and repair the bonds that already exist. I don’t know if it’s magic or something else entirely. I don’t think that matters. He picks up the broken pieces of us all, and even though he knows they won’t fit back together the way they used to, he can still make a recognizable shape. And it’s enough. We’re strong because we have ea
ch other, but it’s more because we have him.”
“Werewolf Jesus,” I said, and my brothers laughed.
“There’s no one like him in the world,” Joe agreed. He grew quieter. “And I still hate myself sometimes for bringing him into this. Without a choice. He lost because of us. Maggie. She was innocent. And we took her from him, even if we didn’t raise our claws to do so. He has scars too. More than I ever want to think about.”
“He would have followed you regardless,” I said. “Joe, you have to know that.”
He sighed. “I know. He’s said as much. And that it wasn’t my fault. Or Dad’s fault. It was Richard’s. And Robert Livingstone’s. And Osmond’s and Michelle’s and Elijah’s and on and on. And I hear him. I do. But I can’t help but think what if? What if we weren’t who we are? What if we were just… someone else. Without the name. Without the crown.”
Here, Gavin whispered in my head. Name doesn’t matter here. No crown. No roses. Just… you. Just Carter.
“Who would we be?” Kelly asked.
Joe shrugged. “I don’t know. Whoever we wanted to be. A wolf. A human. Something else entirely. We wouldn’t have to suffer over and over again because of the blood in our veins. I’m the Alpha of all. I’ve been preparing for it my entire life. I understand its importance. But when I was standing in front of the people of Caswell, when they were looking to me to guide them, to lead them as their home crumbled around them, all I could think was that there had to be more to this life. There had to be someone else who wanted this more than I did. Someone who would do good. Who would be the leader they all wanted. The savior they were so desperate for.” He laughed again, but it was hollowed out. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Anything,” Kelly whispered.
“Anything,” I agreed.
Joe said, “I wonder what would happen if it ended. Our name. If we let it die out. If we were to just… let it go. We would have each other. Wouldn’t that be enough? I mean, look at us. We’re literally the queerest pack in existence. We have Joshua, but he’s not a Bennett, at least not in name.”
“He’s still ours,” Kelly said.
“He is. But what if it ended with us? Mom said once she wondered if our name was cursed, and that stuck with me. I don’t think she meant it. She was angry. She had every right to be, but I still can’t let it go. It rattles around in my head, and when I’m alone, when everything is quiet, I wonder what it would be like if, after Livingstone, we allowed someone else to take charge. To carry the weight of an entire world on their shoulders. To let them deal with all of it.”
“We tried that already,” I said quietly. “Remember? Michelle. And look how that turned out.”
He shook his head. “I know. But I don’t know if I want to be a king. And I don’t know if you want to be princes.”
Kelly turned his head, his hair tickling my nose. “Do we even have a choice?”
“Sometimes I don’t think we do,” Joe muttered. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I know how things are. I know how they have to be. And I’ll do it because I have to.”
“You have us,” I told him.
“I know,” he said. “And I need that, Carter. The both of you. I know I’m not….”
And even though I was scared, I said, “Say it.”
He was blue. His voice was small and fragile when he said, “When you left. You… made that video for Kelly. You talked about how much you loved him and how much you needed him, and I was hurting because you were gone, but I was hurting because I kept thinking what about me? Didn’t you love me just as much?” He was trembling, and my eyes stung. “I know you did. I know you do now. And I know that you and Kelly have always been close, but I’m your brother too. I hated myself for it. I could see the look on your face, how lost you were. And yet… what about me?”
Oh god. “Joe. Joe. That’s not—”
He said, “I love you. The both of you, more than I could ever put into words. I’m your Alpha, like I’m the Alpha to almost every wolf. But sometimes I just want to be your little brother. To not have to worry about anything else. I want to love Ox without wondering if he’s going to be taken from me. I want to love Mom and show her everything we’ve done hasn’t been in vain. And I want to know that I matter to you. I know you’re each other’s tethers. I get that. I know how important a tether is. Is it everything, though? You two were here first. You have this bond that I can’t have. I just want you to see me. To know that I’m still here and not just as your Alpha.”