“Then let me meet her. For a few minutes.”
Rachel still hesitated before getting out of the car. “It’s best to keep the visit short.”
They checked-in with the receptionist in the front room. After they signed in – and stole some cookies from the front table – the receptionist punched in that week’s security keycode into the main door.
The smell of nursing home instantly hit them in the face. God, did Rachel hate this smell. Diapers. Medicine. Unwashed bodies that couldn’t stay clean. Tasteless food. The scent of her mother about to kick the bucket.
With any luck, she might remember who she was that day.
They bypassed the usual suspects, some of them new residents and others the same men and women Rachel had seen since she first admitted her mother two years ago. There was Mr. Graham, the ex-engineer who could barely pile mashed potatoes on his tenderized steak. Mrs. Mitchell couldn’t remember which clothes were hers, so she stole her roommate’s underwear and sweaters – and not much else. The nurses in their colorful scrubs were sweet as pie, but Rachel knew that they were thankful they could go home to their families at the end of the day and not have to take care of anyone besides their half-grown kids.
And then there was Diane Hines, the woman who had raised Rachel – and could barely recognize her favorite TV show playing at the same time every day.
“Hi, Mom!” Rachel forced a friendly smile while checking out how much more weight her mother had lost in the past few months. Skin and bones. The only food Diane would eat was Oreos and graham crackers. Rachel’s mother always had a sugar addiction, and it became absolutely unmanageable when the dementia took hold. While the house nutritionist severely warned everyone how bad letting Diane binge on cookies and candy would be, in the end, everyone agreed that if these were going to be her last years on Earth, she might as well eat whatever she wanted. Because she wasn’t going to eat anything else.
The woman with thin, silver hair and gaunt cheeks perked up the moment she heard Rachel’s voice.
The effect was instantaneous. Tears spilled from her milky eyes as she reached out toward Rachel and began demanding to be taken home.
Rachel stopped in her tracks. A nurse raced forward to help calm Diane down. Zack bumped into Rachel and apologized for not watching where he was going.
She had forgotten that he was there. Rachel was already shutting down every emotion she had inside of her. Dissociating was the only way she could deal with these visits.
***
Zack had not been prepared for what he saw inside the facility. He didn’t think anything could have prepared him.
He knew about these places. Had even heard the horror stories that they were where you came when your life was over and your family didn’t care what happened. Clearly, Rachel had cared. No wonder she moved her mom all the way out here. Things were cheaper here. That included this kind of medical care. It wasn’t state-of-the-art, but the nurses looked capable and everything was as clean as it could get.
That smell, though… it smelled like a hospital that nobody had cleaned up in weeks. The stench of urine was enough to make him politely look away when a nurse finally caught on that an old man in corduroy had soiled himself. He kept calling her Gloria even though her nametag said Celeste. The nurse did not correct him as she took him into his bathroom to help him clean up and change. Zack quickly learned that one did not argue about facts in a memory care facility.
That included with Ms. Diane Hines, who was convinced that Zack was Rachel’s boyfriend no matter how many times she claimed that they were friends. This was after Diane finally stopped crying long enough for her and her daughter to retire into another room.
Zack gave them some space. I shouldn’t have come in here with her. What had he been thinking? That this was a retirement home and not a medical facility? That he would see grandmas and grandpas playing shuffleboard and bingo and not combating the mid and final stages of dementia?
Had he even understood what dementia actually meant before now?
He found the secretary in the front room and did something he never thought he would do: he pried into the state of Diane’s residency.
Naturally, he posed as Rachel’s long-term boyfriend and did not expect the secretary – or the director, when she stepped out – to willingly give up that kind of information. Zack wasn’t married to Rachel, nor had these people ever met him before. But Zack knew how to crack through their tough demeanors. It wasn’t just his charms that got them to gradually open up. It was what he did for a damn living.
“It’s very kind of you to offer funding for an arts program here, Mr. Feldman,” the director said after ten minutes. “But I’m afraid that your funds may be misdirected. I’m going to be honest with you. We don’t go through many art supplies because most of our residents can’t focus on it for more than a minute. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes art time acts more as a break for our volunteers and nurses than it does for our residents.”
“So then what do you think my funds would best be used toward? Do you need new equipment? A budget for more nurses?”
The director was taken aback. How often did a man as rich as Zack walk through the doors? Let alone a man willing to dump his money on them?
“I… Mr. Feldman.” The middle-aged woman folded her hands on her desk with an exasperated smile straining against her dentures. “I’m going to be honest with you. Out here, the number one thing our residents struggle with the most is paying their rent. Insurance only goes so far. These people never had many savings to begin with, unfortunately. And their children struggle in their own lives let alone paying for a place like this. We are a necessary facility, but…”
“I understand. Is Rachel struggling?”
The director jerked back. “Well, I… I can’t speak on that directly. I’m sorry. I’m sure you understand.”
She’s struggling. A lot, probably. Rachel was way too proud to ever ask Zack for money. She didn’t mind letting him pay for dinner, admittances to clubs, and even the occasional outfit that ended up on her body, but she would never, ever ask for him to pay for her mother’s care. Most of the families here probably had the same attitude. They all desperately needed help but had no one reliable.
Zack thanked the director for her candor and waited for Rachel in the lobby. When she appeared thirty minutes later, it was to take her turn in the director’s office. Too bad her mother weakly pounded against the door, tears streaming down her face.
“I’ll talk to her,” Zack told Rachel as she hesitated. How is she not crying too? It must have been some kind of magical resolve keeping her together. “You go on ahead.”
The secretary let Zack back into the main living facility while Rachel went into the office. Zack opened his arms to Diane for a giant bear hug. Diane declined. The fact she didn’t remember Zack already did not help.
“Oh,” she finally said, her tears suddenly gone. “You are Rachel’s boyfriend.”
He lowered his arms but continued to smile. “I sure am. She’s a great woman.”
“Yes. Woman.” Diane looked toward the door, her milky eyes suddenly clear. “Rachel’s a woman now.” She pulled a Hello Kitty keychain out of her pocket. “I was gonna give this to her because it’s her birthday soon. She’s gonna be in junior high school.”
Zack still managed to smile. “If you want, I could give it to her.”
“Who are you?”
He put a gentle hand on her bony shoulder. “Would it be okay if we sat down for a moment? I’d love to hear some stories about Rachel.”
Diane stared at him for a few seconds before shuffling away. She didn’t say anything when he followed her.
***
“How long have you been holding all of that in?”
Rachel had barely buckled her seatbelt when Zack spoke. “What are you talking about?”
“All of that. I knew your mother was in a home, but you made it sound like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Even now you look like you’d rather eat ass than go back in there.”
“I wanna go home. I appreciate you bringing me, but it isn’t that big of a deal.”
“How was any of that not a big deal?” Had they seen the same things? Zack wasn’t related to any of them! He hadn’t met Diane until that day. Had absolutely no emotional investment into her well-being. Yet he seemed to care more than Rachel did?
No, she cares. She cares so much that she’s shoved it all down.
“Never mind,” Zack said. “I’m sorry.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Hello Kitty keychain. “She wanted me to give you this, though.”
The plush keychain landed in Rachel’s hand. She stared at it for a few seconds before breaking down crying.
Chapter 26
The mid-August night was abuzz with breezes and the banging of drums. Zack had stepped out of Kansas the moment he handed the valet the keys to his Corvette.
When the emerald green and gold kurta showed up on his doorstep, Zack was beholden to going to Sita’s wedding. Silly me, thinking I was coming with Rachel. Zack had forgotten Indian Weddings 101. Rachel had spent most of her day with the bride, enjoying a lush henna session and swapping stories of what wedding nights were like.