He laughed. “Don’t I know it. But… that’s what you want? A boy?”
“Honestly? I don’t know that I’ve thought about it one way or another. I guess I’ve always just thought…. I have no idea.”
“Ever since we’ve started this, it’s always been a kid, or it. This is the first time I’ve heard you say he.”
I was starting to feel a little cornered. “What about you? What do you want?”
He knew I was deflecting, but he let it slide. “I’d be happy either way.”
“Liar. Tell me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Otter.”
“I would. I promise. I just—it’s dumb, right? Boy, girl, anything in between, it wouldn’t matter to me. I just—” He averted his eyes.
I took a little leap. “You want a son?”
He shrugged but didn’t say anything.
“I could see that,” I said slowly. “A little you running around underfoot.”
“It’s stupid, right?”
I kissed his forehead. “No. It’s not stupid. I like that idea.”
“Really?” And he sounded so damn hopeful that my heart broke just a little.
“Really.”
“Okay. Okay. That’d be—okay. But a girl would be okay too,” he added quickly.
“Yeah.”
“And I think I’d want it to be a little you instead.”
I snorted. “Yeah, because that wouldn’t be a fucking nightmare.”
“So we’re going to do this?”
“I thought we’d already decided to.”
“No, I mean here. Because if we use the Northwest Surrogacy Center, then we’d have to stay in Seafare. We wouldn’t go back to New Hampshire. It’d be—we’d stay here. Is that what you want?”
I hadn’t even thought about that. Sure, some part of me must have realized that, but on a subconscious level. Is that what I wanted? To stay in Seafare? What if the Kid wanted to go back to New Hampshire? Could I really let him go?
I opened my mouth to tell him I didn’t know. I really did. Instead, I said, “Anna said there’s going to be a teaching position opening up at the middle school. She’s already talked me up to the district, apparently. I think they’re scared of her.”
And there it went again. That crooked smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I could—well. We could do this. If that’s what you wanted. Stay in the Green Monstrosity. Start here.”
“What about the Kid?”
I took a deep breath and said the one thing I never thought I’d say. “We can’t let him decide what our future is going to be. He’s… old enough. To make his own decisions. To make his own mistakes. The best we can do is be here if he needs to come home again. And I’m probably going to contradict that daily, so. Fair warning.”