You are. In the best way possible.
This is getting harder with every step. Only you would think so, I say, struggling to keep my voice even.
Probably, he agrees.
He wasn’t happy with me.
I don’t know any of us are, Dom says honestly.
Do you understand why?
I’m trying.
That’s all I ask.
We step over the spot where Bear and Otter were married. We step over the spot where Mrs. Paquinn went into the ocean. Where Bear waited for Otter and instead received a phone call. Where I found Bear that one day so very long ago, by himself, his arms curled around his knees as he thought it possible that everything was over. There is history here. So much history. I stop, just for a moment. Dom doesn’t question it. I breathe in. And out.
He kisses me then. Lingering and sweet. His nose bumps mine. He traces my cheeks with his thumbs. My heart races in my chest. There are stars. So many stars. They burn brightly. For me and him.
Eventually, he pulls away.
He says, I can’t—
There’s still time, I tell him. Not much, but enough.
We crest a small hill near our beach. I can see the kite fliers now. The kite is green and flies high. And it’s not my mother and I. Of course it isn’t. It’s a young boy and an older boy and the wind carries their laughter. The younger one cranes his neck back and watches the kite overhead. The older one watches the younger boy. He has a smile on his face. He drops his hand onto the little guy’s shoulder. They laugh again. I wonder if they’re brothers. I hope so.
They say hey to us as we pass them. We say hey back.
The older one says, We need to get a move on or I’ll be late for work.
The younger one says, Aw, man! Can’t we just fly it a little bit more? Look how high it is, Mal!
The older boy laughs. Yeah. It is. Okay. Maybe just a little bit longer.
Definitely brothers.
Bear’s not happy, Dom says.
He’s just worried. That’s what he does. They have other things to focus on.
Have they found a surrogate?
No. But they will. Now that Bear truly wants it, it’s only a matter of time.
Ben will miss you.
I wince. This is the hardest part. He and I have grown close. His routine….
Dom shakes his head. It’ll take time. You’re part of him now. It’ll be okay.
I hope he’s right.
It’s getting late. I don’t have much time left to say what I want to say. It seems petty now. Trite, even. After all this man has done for me, and for all he’s letting me do to find myself without so much as a cross word, there should be more. I should be giving him everything.
But I can’t.
One day.