So, it whispers. We’ve pretty much given up on the whole “seeing them as friends and nothing more” thing, then? I’m impressed. It lasted… what? A week? Two weeks? That’s quite the willpower you have their, Kid. Something to be so very, very proud of.
Shut it.
“I’m fine,” I say, though it sounds like I’m either about to explode or lay an egg. Possibly both.
“Good,” Corey says, obviously pleased about something. “I’m sure we’ll have plenty to talk about on our trip, then. You and me in a car for two whole days? My, what could possibly happen?”
“Texas Chain Saw Massacre comes to mind,” I say. “Or possibly Thelma & Louise.”
He grins. “I think we’re on the same page, dear heart.” He winks at me, and I muse on how dull a spoon can be and still be able to gouge out an eye.
“Texas Chain Saw Massacre?” Bear echoes incredulously. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”
“Good job, Kid,” Otter says. “If you ever wanted to not go on a road trip with your friend, that was the way to do it.”
“Oh shit,” I groan.
“This is not going to go well,” Creed agrees.
“Bear?” Anna says. “Maybe you should just take a breath before you pass out.”
Bear ignores them all, even as his face turns red. It doesn’t take a genius to see his mind is racing at a billion miles an hour and going off in directions that a normal person with normal brain function couldn’t even possibly imagine. Let’s see how well I know Bear, shall we? There are a lot of weirdoes out there, he’s probably thinking. What if they’re driving and they cross into California and for no reason other than for it to happen, the car breaks down? And of course it’ll be in the middle of the night because that’s when these things always happen. Their cell phones won’t work because for some reason, the satellites are hidden behind mountains or clouds or whatever and they’ll be stuck out in the middle of nowhere next to an abandoned meat-packing plant that’s the only building for forty miles. Tyson won’t be able to resist going over to it because he’s sure it’s still in production and will want to find some way to blow it up, because he’s no longer an ecoterrorist-in-training. No, he’s gone on to full-blown terrorism now, all because of vegetarianism, but he’ll find the meat-packing plant is not in production, and it hasn’t been for years, and is now instead the home to a cabal of sadistic psychopaths whose only mission in life is to cause as much human terror and destruction as possible. Tyson and Corey will attempt to flee the chainsaw-wielding crazies who just finished having sex with their mothers on top of a blanket made from the skins of their victims, but they’ll be trapped inside the meat-packing plant because it’s been turned into a carnival of terror where once you go in, you can never get out. These things happen in California all the time. I know this because I watch the news now, and I read articles, and every day there are mass chainsaw murders in California, and I don’t know why no one has done a single thing about this epidemic of fear, but you can sure as shit bet that Tyson won’t be allowed to go there, no sir! I’d rather him be pissed off at me for the rest of his life for thinking I’m interfering with him even though he’s now twenty years old rather than have him become the sex blood slave to a crazy named Harvey who keeps him locked in a cage made out of femurs and attaches a collar around his neck made of dried out tongues and tied together with eyelashes still glistening wetly with tears. Of course I’m going to interfere if it means saving him from such a fate! There is no way in hell I’m going to let him be a fuck buffet for a bunch of inbred Californian psychopathic chainsaw cannibals! I know what happens in California! I’ve seen the news!
Not bad, huh? Yeah, try living with him continuously and see if it’s still amusing.
“You bet your ass you’re not going to California!” he finally explodes. “I’m not going to let you get raped by psycho cannibals!” Bingo. “And I swear to God, you better not think you’re ready for this jelly, because I will make sure your milkshake brings no one to the yard.”
Dammit. So close. Even I don’t know how he got to that one. I must be slipping with my Bearology. I used to have his neurosis down to the smallest detail. Which makes me very, very sad.
“We’re not going to get raped and murdered,” I say.
“And even if we did,” Corey says, “using the laws of averages and Horror Movie Trivia, at least one of us would need to survive so we could come back for the sequel.” He shakes his head sadly. “It probably won’t be me. I’m not white.”
“I would feel really sad if it was you,” I say, lying through my teeth.
“I somehow doubt that,” he replies, that smirk back on his face.
“No raping!” Bear shouts.
“They’re not going to get raped,” Otter says, trying to soothe Bear. “Tyson isn’t stupid enough to go into an abandoned meat-packing plant in the middle of nowhere.” Good to know he came to the same conclusion I did.
“Well,” I say, “I probably wouldn’t. But if it looks like it’s still in operation, all bets are off. Do you know how many of our animal friends are monstrously torn apart every—”
“Kid, you’re not helping your cause,” Creed says. “I’d shut your trap.”
He’s probably right. Bear looks like he’s ready to lock me up in my room, never to release me from my tower.
“I am twenty years old,” I remind them. “Legally, I can go wherever I choose.”
“Probably not the best argument,” Otter says, “however true. Especially since you’d be using our car.”
“I’ll just rent a car!”
“You’re not twenty-five,” Anna says.
“And you have, like, four dollars,” Corey reminds me.
“I am going to be trapped with all of you for the rest of my life,” I groan, and for some reason, this causes almost everyone to smile stupidly.