Her eyes go wide. “Oooh! It’s been so long since I’ve done that.”
“What about last week when I left the toilet seat up again and you fell in at three in the morning?”
She smiles sweetly at Creed. “No murder. Not yet. Once I get your spawn out of me, then we’ll talk. I don’t want to be pregnant in jail.”
“It’s a love for the ages,” he says, kissing his wife on the nose.
“Who are we going to murder?” Anna asks.
“Tell me, Officer,” Corey says with a giggle and all the subtlety of an atomic bomb made of unicorns and glitter. “Do you ever get to use those handcuffs and nightstick for anything more… adventurous?”
“The black plague in your brain,” I mutter.
“Ah,” Anna says. “Have we figured out which one?”
“Not yet,” Otter says.
“I have an idea,” Creed says.
“You don’t have many of those,” Anna says. “Hold on to it while you can.”
“I forgot how much fun you are when you’re pregnant,” Creed says. “It’s like being married to a—”
“Choose your next words very carefully,” Anna says. “Especially if you ever want to do that one thing again.”
“—wonderful woman who brings nothing but joy and laughter to my life and for whom my heart beats eternally,” Creed finishes.
“Gross,” Otter says. “I don’t want to know what that one thing is.”
“Yes, you do,” Creed says. “Anna can clench her—”
“What are you all doing? You better not be lighting that on fire again. Otter, I swear to God you’re going to burn the house down!” Bear storms over and glares at Otter.
“Try to set something on fire once and you get blamed for it the rest of your life,” Otter sighs.
“Four times,” Bear reminds him.
“Gross Tree Bush Thing is just begging for it,” Creed says.
“Don’t call it that! I paid good money for it!”
“Against any and all judgment and pleadings on my behalf,” Otter reminds him.
“It’s my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree,” Bear says, lovingly stroking the plastic. “All it needs is a little love.”
“Good money?” Creed asks. “Think of all the starving children in Argentina or Kentucky you could have fed with that money. You know, Bear, once you have children, you won’t be able to spend money on such frivolous and hideous things. You’ll need to save for college or bail money and an attorney. I haven’t yet decided what direction I think an offspring of yours would go.”
“And diapers,” Anna says. “And clothes. And toys. And shoes. So many pairs of shoes.”
“And video games,” Creed says. “And alcohol for yourself because it’s going to be the only way you’ll make it through the next eighteen years. Don’t worry, though. I’ll teach you how to day-drink and not look like you’re drunk.”
“He doesn’t day-drink,” Anna says, frowning at Creed.
“I’m drunk right now,” he assures her. “Completely shattered. Want to go mess around?”
“Not even a little bit,” she says.
“Disappointing,” he sighs.