Maybe I should have known when Alice Thompson handed her husband Jerry another bottle of wine as the first one was almost gone between the old people.
Maybe I should have known when we all sat down and Corey eyed us all with an anticipatory Machiavellian gleam.
Maybe I should have known. But apparently I didn’t.
Did you hear that? That was me sighing.
You should know by now how these things start.
Yeah, that’s right. With the “what we’re thankful for” prayer. Can I get a motherfucking amen? Hallelujah!
“Hey, God,” Alice says after we all join hands and bow our heads. “It’s us again. Thank you for the bounty you’ve bestowed up on us.” I crack open an eye and see that the main entrée in the middle resembles Slimer from Ghostbusters. It’s obviously vegetarian, but it still looks like it’s alive. Alice is awesome, but her cooking is a crime against humanity. “I’m thankful for the fact that our family is back together again, finally! Please watch over Tyson as he begins a grand new adventure.”
That’s a polite way of putting it, I guess. It’s the thought that counts.
Ian, Anna’s dad, is next, as always. “I’m thankful for the health of my family, and that my grandson will probably give the Kid a run for his money in the smarts department.” He doesn’t see that JJ is picking his nose with a fork and staring at the ceiling. I’m not too worried about having my position usurped.
Stephanie Grant is next. “I’m thankful for being able to find another job so quickly after being laid off.”
Quiet appreciation.
Anna says, “I’m thankful for my son and my husband, even if they leave dirty socks on the floor in the kitchen.”
Creed says, “I’m thankful that my wife knows my secret hiding place for my dirty socks.”
JJ says, “Hey, Mom! I heard a really funny joke from… some guy… named…. Leed. What do you call a—”
“JJ,” Creed coughs loudly. “This is not joke time. This is thankful time. You need to say what you’re thankful for or we won’t be able to eat the gigantic booger that my mom made.”
“It’s kale and spinach lasagna,” Alice says cheerfully. “Though it doesn’t look quite like the picture.”
JJ sighs. “I don’t know why we have to eat vegetables just because Uncle Ty is here. Dad says that not having meat in a meal is like clubbing baby seals.”
“I didn’t quite say it like that,” Creed says hastily.
“Maybe we can just skip JJ today,” Anna says.
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“I can do it! I’m thankful for… for… my Xbox 360 and Call of Duty.”
“Which you are not supposed to be playing because it’s too violent,” Anna says sternly.
“Dad said I could but only when you’re not… uh. Never mind.”
“Dude,” Creed groaned. “Not cool.”
“When you see your dad sleeping on the couch,” Anna says to her son, “just remember I still love him very much.”
“Oh,” JJ says. “Does that mean you’re getting a divorce?”
Anna laughs. “Oh, sweetheart. Probably.”
“I’m okay with that as long as I get two Christmases. My friend Jack says that his parents got divorced and now they compete for his love with presents.”
“I’d only buy you dog food,” Creed promises.
“Well!” Jerry says. “I’m thankful that Bear, Otter, and the Kid have decided to move back to Seafare, at least for the time being. It’s been tough having them on the far coast. And I’m thankful Corey has decided to spend the summer here.”