“In. Breathe in. Just breathe, Kid. All you need to do is breathe.”
I can’t. I can’t get the air in.
“You can,” he says, like he can hear my thoughts. “You can because I know you can. Just breathe in with me, okay?”
Somehow, I try. For him, I’ll do anything.
“Good. Hold it for three seconds. One.”
What does she have that I don’t?
“Two.”
I know him better. He loves me more.
“Three. Let it out with me.”
I exhale.
“Hold it for three seconds. One.”
Doesn’t he need me?
“Two.”
Why won’t he ask me to stay?
“Three. Good, Kid. In and hold. One.”
I want him to be happy.
“Two.”
Why can’t he be happy with just me?
“Three. And Out. Good. One.”
He sees me. He sees me like no one else can. Not even Bear.
“Two.”
And I see him. I see him so clearly.
“Three. Now. Tell me what happened.”
And it floods out. “I saw Stacey and Dom kissing in the hall, and it felt weird to see, because he should only be seeing me because he’s my friend and I found him first. He only needs to tell things to me and why can’t he see that? Why can’t he see that he should tell me everything? He didn’t tell me about her. He didn’t tell me that he liked her. He kept it from me, and it feels like he lied. But I can’t blame him, because look how I reacted. Look at what happened. He tried to protect me like he always does, and I hate him. I hate him for it. I hate every part of him because he’s going to leave me. He’s not asking me to stay because he wants me to leave. He wants me to leave so he can go on and live his life without a little kid hanging on to him. He wants me to go so he can have a home.” I’m starting to get worked up again, knowing how harsh my words sound and, saying them aloud, how untrue they are. Nothing I’ve just said describes Dom. Nothing I’ve said is who he is. This is not on him. This is on me.
“But you don’t believe that, do you?” Bear asks, again proving he knows me better than I know myself.
“I don’t know.”
“Kid.”
“No. Okay? No. No, I don’t believe that. I’m scared, but I don’t believe that. Not really. Not completely. It’s just all messed up in my head and I can’t focus, Bear. Why can’t I focus?” I start to pant again.
“Easy. Breathe. Just breathe.”
I do. Bear rubs my chest, and I do.