The hostess glanced at our table as she turned to lead Darren and Caleb. The answering grin I gave her was all teeth, and she stumbled slightly but recovered before anyone else noticed. Darren and Caleb followed her, Caleb bringing up the rear, his hand pressing against the small of Darren’s back. I glared at that touch over my menu, planning for Caleb’s hand to be the first thing to go should it become necessary. I only had a butter knife to use, but I could be patient enough to get through the bone.
They had to pass by our table to get to the one Tracey was leading them to. I was the only one facing them directly. Agnes had her back to them, with Esteban and Slim Trim on either side in profile. I peeked over the menu, sure my sunglasses would allow for discretion. Darren had a blank look on his face as he followed Tracey, which I didn’t know how to interpret. There was a moment when they neared our table that I thought he stiffened slightly, a small hitch to his step, but I told myself I was seeing things. He walked by, Caleb following, and Tracey sat them at their table.
The lunch crowd had already come and gone, but there were still enough peopl
e in the restaurant that I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying with any regularity. I could hear bits and pieces, little fragments taken out of context that really didn’t make much sense. Caleb did most of the talking, with Darren appearing to grunt in response.
I thought about telling the tables around me to shut the fuck up, but I thought that would probably draw too much attention to us.
Also, it would be rude.
Santiago approached their table, his eyes gleaming as soon as he saw Darren. But before he could get to the table, he paused, glancing over at me.
Anticipating this would happen, I already had picked up my fork and held it in such a way that could only be construed as I will stab you with this until there is more of your blood outside of you than in you. Santiago gulped, glancing between Darren and me, before putting a more neutral expression on his face, free of flirtation.
He stayed only for a moment, giving a perfunctory greeting and taking the drink order. He left and whatever conversation Darren and Caleb were having resumed.
“They don’t look like they’re on a date,” Slim Trim said.
“They’re not even touching,” Esteban said.
“I can’t believe I’m wearing something that belongs to my nana,” Agnes said.
“Looks can be deceiving,” I said. “They could just be nervous and are waiting for the right moment to confess their animalistic lust for each other before they have the butt sex.”
Slim Trim rolled his eyes. “Or they could just be here because Caleb bid the most, thinks Darren is your boyfriend, and nothing will happen.”
“That’s probably true,” Esteban said. “But we should stay here as long as possible so that everyone can see how awesome I look with my mustache—I mean, so we can make sure Darren and Sandy can be together forever because of love.”
“She even tried to give me her underwear,” Agnes said. “She said she had a pair with Justin Bieber’s face on them. Who does that? I don’t want to sit on Justin Bieber’s face.”
Santiago appeared at the table with our drinks on a tray. His hands shook as he divvied out the drinks. I dismissed him with a wave of my hand once he’d finished. I took a long sip of my margarita, eyes never leaving Darren.
He was sitting facing me, Caleb’s back to us. Caleb was gesticulating wildly with his hands, and all Darren did was nod and give a tight smile. At one point, Caleb reached out to touch the back of Darren’s hand. Darren seemed to allow it only for a split second before he pulled away. Caleb took it in stride and kept right on talking.
Every now and then, Darren would glance around the restaurant, eyes trailing over everyone, including us. He never showed recognition, and I congratulated myself on being a master of disguise. We weren’t exactly being subtle, but I thought we probably blended in with the other eccentricities that were found on 4th Avenue.
I was starting to have some very serious doubts about the nature of Caleb and Darren’s relationship, if there was even one there. Darren certainly didn’t look like someone who was about to get laid. In fact, if anything, he looked almost annoyed at having to be there with Caleb, continuing his monosyllabic caveman responses. I didn’t even see a hint of a smile at any point. It was a stunning thought, to know that I might have been wrong, given that I was rarely wrong about anything ever. It was my gift; it was also my curse.
“Guys,” I breathed. “I don’t know if they’re on a date.”
Agnes snorted. “No shit, you think? Can we leave now? I never knew that muumuus could be so drafty. No wonder Nana sits with her legs spread all the time. Oh god, I just grossed myself out.”
“He wouldn’t do that to you,” Esteban said, twirling his mustache. “He wouldn’t try to do anything to mess this up.”
“I think I might keep this suit,” Slim Trim said. “Because of reasons.”
“But if they’re not fucking, what are they doing?” I asked.
“Are you sure you didn’t read those texts out of context?” Agnes asked.
“Of course not,” I said. “I had the perfect context.”
“You thought they were fucking.”
“Yes, well. Contextually, that’s what it looked like.”
“Why don’t you just ask him?” Esteban asked. “I don’t get why people just don’t say what they want.”