“We’ll be fine.” If anything, he sounded amused. Like this situation amused him. I didn’t understand how he could be so flip over something so serious. “You’ll just need to work extra hard to pimp out the homo jocks. I can always open up the back room so people can try them out if necessary. Well. Excluding Darren, of course. Tell me, Sandy. How is Darren doing these days?”
“Fine,” I said stiffly, sure I’d just sustained whiplash at the sudden flip in the conversation.
“Really.”
“Yes.”
“Huh. Because word on the gay street is that you two seem awfully cozy.”
“Are you spying on me?”
He laughed. “Just protecting my investment. And spying has such ugly connotations. I’m…. Okay. I’m spying.”
“You’re not protecting anything. Andrew Taylor is going to host his Fox and Friends dinner and make more money than we ever will. Mike, we have to beat him. If we don’t, where am I going to queen? A straight bar? A retirement home? McDonald’s? Mike, do you want me to be queening at McDonald’s? Is that what you want? To see me in my wig and expensive boots while some fat four-year-old drips his motherfucking McFlurry all over me? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“O ye of little faith,” he said. “We just need to put on a good show. The rest will sort itself out. Though, I suppose if you did perform at McDonald’s, it wouldn’t be that different than Jack It. Seeing as how you could get into a ball pit at both places.”
“Gross,” I said with a grimace. “And hysterical. But still gross. Stop trying to be funny. You’re not good at it.”
“We’ll be fine,” he said. “You just worry about the show.”
Corey stumbled into the room, grumbling about coffee and the best way to murder me without getting caught. Paul and Vince were due to arrive in the next few moments, and I was rather sick of talking to Mike. So I told him so and that I would probably find a way to remove his testicles with a spoon later.
“Sure, princess,” he said easily. “Love you too. Izaac will be at the bar by eight to open it up for you and whatever entertainment company we hired to put on the event. They need to get in to set up their lighting for the show. Izaac will oversee them. Let him know if you need anything.”
“You need to keep him,” I said. “Make him the bar manager. Pay him more money than is considered fair. If you lose him, I will feed your spoon-removed testicles to Wheels and Johnny Depp.”
He sighed. “The fact that you can say something like that and I understand and believe you speaks volumes about our relationship.”
“I’m done talking to you,” I said. “You came up short with the Super Gays. You have failed me for the last time.”
“Stop quoting Star Wars, for fuck’s sake—”
“I am your father!” I screamed at him before disconnecting the phone call quite savagely. It made me feel better.
Corey stood in the entryway to the kitchen, hands curled around a mug of coffee, watching me with bleary amusement. “Sounds like that went well.”
“I will show you what true pain is,” I muttered, trying to keep Helena back. She was gnashing and trying to claw her way to the surface. It would have been so easy just to sink into her and let her take over, but I couldn’t promise there wouldn’t be bloodshed in the process. And I didn’t want to have to scratch anyone’s eyes out, given that people were just trying to help. It wasn’t their fault Mike and the Super Gays were apparently incompetent.
“Anything I can do to help?”
“Do you have four billion dollars?”
“Do I have—no.”
“Then you’ll just have to look pretty for me.”
He gave me a sleepy smile. “That I can do.” He came over and sat on the couch next to me, yawning as he lay his head on my shoulder. It was nice. For a moment. Then, “Sandy?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you say that Mike was going to lose the bar?”
Oh shit.
“Uhh,” I said. “I think you misheard.”
“Really.”