“The truth,” I said. “Except for everything Darren said. That part was a lie and I’m sure he feels really bad about it.”
“And then we walked up to the Lair and found you naked,” Vince said excitedly. “I love it when stories come together like that. It gives me goose bumps. Like when they referenced things in Transformers 2 that happened in the first one. Shia LeBeouf just can’t catch a break.”
Everyone stared at Vince now.
He pouted. “I contribute things.”
“Well,” Paul said. “I don’t—”
“Are you finally ready to order?” Santiago asked, appearing out of nowhere. “I would hate for the father accountant to waste away to nothing.”
I picked up my knife, ready to throw it at his face, but Darren stopped me by grabbing my wrist, quietly reminding me that I wouldn’t do well in prison. Santiago, of course, took that as a sign that Darren was protecting him and offering a pledge of his undying love and proceeded to all but give him a lap dance while I did nothing but laugh at the both of them. It was awesome to see Darren so uncomfortable. I wondered how many other twinks I could find that he’d fucked.
I kept laughing until I saw Paul frowning again.
We ordered and Santiago disappeared inside.
“Sandy,” Paul said. “Would you join me in the bathroom?”
Uh-oh.
“I don’t really want to,” I said. “You learned to go by yourself when you were four. You can still do it. I believe in you.”
“Oh,” Paul said. “Well, it’s a good thing I wasn’t really asking you, now was it.”
That was not a good sign.
“If you’ll excuse us,” I said to the others. “Sometimes, Paul has issues using public restrooms and I have to stand guard in front of the stall so he can shit and—”
“Sandy!”
“Coming, Paul.”
I followed him inside through the restaurant, loud mariachi music playing in the speakers overhead. He led the way through the door labeled Señores. He closed the door behind us and bent over to look under the stalls to make sure we were alone. Then he locked the door, turned to me, and said with complete seriousness, “Is Darren keeping you hostage?”
I said, “What.”
“Did Darren Mayne kidnap you for something nefarious and is now keeping you hostage?”
“Paul. Seriously? That’s what you come up with?”
His eyes widened. “Can he hear us? Did he make you wear a wire? Of course he would have. He’s devious. Why didn’t I think of that? Blink once for yes, twice for no. Has he done things to your anus against your will?”
I groaned. “No, he hasn’t done anus things against my will. What the hell.”
“Uh-huh, and that’s just exactly what someone who has been kidnapped would say. If you fear for your life and need me to rescue you, say potato.”
“I’m not saying potato because I don’t fear for my life and don’t need to be rescued!”
His eyes were wide and his face went pale.
“What?” I asked him.
“You just said potato,” he whispered. “He did kidnap you. Is he holding you for ransom? Is he using you carnally for his pleasure? How big is his dick and, as a sidebar, is he cut or uncut? Vince is—no. Focus, Paul. Focus on what’s important. I can always ask about dick size and if his penis has a hoodie later after I’ve saved you from his clutches. We need a plan to get you to a safe house. My house isn’t safe. Yours isn’t either. Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll run interference and give you my debit card. The pin number is Nana’s birthday minus the number of times I’ve seen Star Wars. Hint, the answer is ninety-seven. Withdraw two hundred dollars in cash at the nearest ATM, then go to the Motel 6 near the Orange Grove exit on the freeway. Check in with the name Gustavo Tiberius and use a German accent. Use the cash you’ve withdrawn. Wait for me to arrive and we’ll figure something out.”
“Are you done?” I asked him.
“I think so.” He shook his head. “Whoa. That was kind of a head rush. How cool am I at planning escapes from kidnappers? Is that a job? Is that a thin