“Sure,” he said, sounding as if he was so happy to be here. “That’s exactly right, boo.”
Internally, I was dying.
“Boo,” Paul repeated, sounding horrified.
“Bae,” Corey repeated, sounding choked.
“Heh,” Vince said, “that sounded like you both said booby. Awesome.”
We all stared at him.
“What?” he asked, pouting. “It did.”
“Anyway,” I said. “I’m so glad you picked this place to be the first date. And that you all decided to come with us on said first date. Because that’s what normal people do. And everyone knows that this is perfectly normal. Darren and I are just like everyone else.” I was so Meryl, even Meryl herself would have been proud.
Darren squeezed hard, and I swore my bones ground together. “What Sandy is trying to say,” he said, glancing at me with a look filled with so much adoration that I almost elbowed his spleen, “is that we’re so glad we can finally be together. I can’t believe how long it took Sandy to get his head out of his ass, am I right?” Everyone laughed heartily at the table.
Everyone, that is, except for me.
I started to plan my revenge.
And I knew it would be sweet.
So sweet, in fact, that I could almost taste it.
And it tasted like victory.
Ever the gentleman, Darren dropped my hand and pulled out my chair. I narrowed my eyes at him, hoping the others couldn’t see. His smile took on a slightly mean curve. I turned and sat in the chair, allowing him to push the chair in. His hand trailed along my shoulders, fingers brushing the back of my head. I leaned into it, as a good boyfriend should. I sighed and smiled up at him as he moved to sit beside me. He pulled his chair as close as it could possibly get to me without actually being on top of me, then sat down, taking my hand in his. He leaned over behind me, my head blocking his. From the outside, it must have looked like he was kissing my ear. Instead, however, he whispered, “I know what you’re doing. You aren’t going to win.” His lips brushed against the shell of my ear, and I struggled to keep from shuddering.
“Oh, you.” I laughed and tilted my head down in an approximation of embarrassment. I knew my face was slightly red, but rather than from shyness, it was from pure, unadulterated rage.
“Wow,” Paul said. “I may have overestimated my desire to see you two together. This is actually making me slightly nauseous. It’s like having sugar and crack mainlined right into my veins. Gross.”
“No worse than you and Vince,” Corey said. “Sometimes, you two will sit there and whisper quietly to each other and have these goofy little looks on your faces. It’s positively vomitus. I’m glad I’ve so far been able to avoid the trappings of domestic bliss. It looks disgusting.”
“We’re not really domestic,” I said. “We’ve only been together a few days, so we can’t be domestic.”
“Yet,” Darren said, bringing my hand up and kissing the back of it. “But, boo, if I have my way, we’ll be beating Vince and Paul’s time it took to move in together.”
“It took them two months,” I said, trying not to grit my teeth.
“I know.” Darren grinned at me from behind my hand. “I’m counting down the days.”
“I don’t know, bae,” I said. “I have a lot of stuff. I don’t know if you’d even have the room for it.”
“We can just buy a bigger house,” he said with a shrug. “You know, for your stuff. And the kids.”
I literally had to clench to keep from shitting myself right then and there. “The what now?”
I was saved from hearing his answer when what had to be the world’s most handsome waiter arrived at our table. He wore a red collared shirt and tight black slacks that contrasted perfectly with his mocha skin. His hair was tousled in such a way that looked as if he’d just rolled out of bed, but had obviously been done on purpose. He had what I thought were possibly the greenest eyes I’d ever seen. He was, in a word, perfect.
And probably just Darren’s type.
In fact, Darren paled slightly when he saw the waiter, his hand squeezing mine. I was slightly grossed out that he was probably getting a boner while holding my hand and watching Sexy McSlut Whore. I wasn’t jealous. Not even a little bit. Because jealousy would imply feelings beyond indifferent anger. And there were none.
The waiter ignored Darren, Corey, and me and immediately zeroed in on Paul and Vince. “Oh look,” he said with a thick accent. “It’s the father accountant. Back yet again. Are you hungry, big man father accountant? I shall bring you your own bread basket. You look like you’ve earned it. Can’t let all those carbs go to waste.”
“Santiago,” Paul hissed. “I was told you quit.”