His hands closed around the steering wheel in what looked like a death grip. “I don’t know what the hell I thought it was,” he said tensely. “I still hadn’t gotten my bearings straight when you told me you didn’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“You told me you thought it’d been a sort of...emotional backfire, that we’d acted so impulsively because of Jesse’s death. You were Jesse’s good friend, a comrade in arms. I was—”
“His wife,” he said.
“His widow,” Faith corrected. If he’d lived, I would have been his divorced wife by Christmas, she added in her thoughts. Misery, anger and guilt swept through her—a potent, poison mixture of emotions with which she’d become all too familiar.
She wasn’t sure how much Ryan knew about Jesse’s affairs. Did they talk about them, perhaps share stories of sexual conquests, compare notes? Had Jesse confessed to him about his affair with Captain Melanie Shane? Melanie was a member of their wing, after all. She’d been the pilot and only survivor of the helicopter crash that had killed Jesse. Ryan might know that Melanie had contacted Faith and revealed her affair with Jesse months before the accident. He might already know Faith had filed for divorce at the time of Jesse’s death.
Then again, he might not.
Most importantly, if Ryan had known about Jesse’s infidelities, how much did that figure into what had happened between them at Christmas?
“When I said that thing about what happened between us being an emotional backfire, I was grabbing at straws,” Ryan said in a low, vibrating voice. “I was looking for anything to help me understand how I could have taken advantage of a vulnerable woman—someone I care about. I returned to Michigan on Christmas Eve to offer support to my friend’s widow. You know I always liked you...respected you, even if we’d only met a couple of times. What happened between us was the last thing I’d expected. I meant to make you feel better, but instead, I caused you harm,” he said, wincing.
Her backbone stiffened.
“You haven’t harmed me. I’m thrilled about the baby, Ryan.” He glanced at her, quick and wary, and she caught a glimpse beneath his stony, top-gun facade. For a brief second she saw the stark anxiety in his gaze. Her temporary irritation faded. She’d had three months to come to terms with the fact that her life was about to change forever. Ryan had had only an hour to absorb that mind-blowing reality.
“I don’t expect you to be thrilled about it—at least not right off the bat,” she said quietly. “It’s a shock. I know it’s the last thing on earth you thought would happen.”
Her hushed voice seemed to reverberate in the air between them.
“I want you to know I plan on sharing custody with you. I hope we can work together to make things as secure and comfortable for the baby as we can,” she said, breaking the taut silence.
His face looked rigid as he turned and stared out at the great lake. Faith took the opportunity of his averted gaze to drink in her fill of the image of him. He had a great profile—a strong chin, straight, masculine nose; firm, well-shaped lips. Hard. That was the impression one got when they looked at Ryan. Tough as steel, honed, fast nerves, a brilliant mind. His body had been hard and honed as well, but also warm, sensitive, delightful for a woman to mold against...touch.
She inhaled sharply, willing her straying brain to come to order. His aftershave tickled her nose, the subtle, spicy, clean male scent triggering a wave of sensual memories. She knew from that night that the scent clung especially rich there at his nape at the edge of his hairline.
Her cheeks grew warm.
“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation,” he said after a pause, forcing Faith to focus. “I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby.”
“We are,” she said softly. He turned his head and met her stare.
“Are you really happy about it?” he asked.
“I’ll admit that at first I was pretty bowled over. It didn’t take me long to get used to the idea...become excited,” she said quietly, her fingers brushing against her abdomen instinctively. She paused when she noticed Ryan’s stare on her hand. A warm, heavy feeling expanded in her belly and lowered. Her fingers seemed to burn beneath his gaze. How was it that he so effortlessly had this effect on her? She saw his strong throat convulse as he swallowed.
“So...you’re about three months along?” he asked gruffly.
“I just started my second trimester.”
“And the doctor says—”
“The baby is perfectly healthy. I’ve already had an ultrasound,” she said, wonder filtering into her tone. Some of the miracle of that day came back to her unexpectedly. He was the father, after all, the cocreator of that tiny miracle she’d seen on the screen.
His expression looked flat. Faith realized she was witnessing a highly unlikely event firsthand—Major Ryan Itani in a state of shock.
“Ryan, are you all right?”
“Of course,” he said. He blinked as if to clear the haze from his vision. “And you? You’re healthy, as well?” he asked in a voice that struck her as strained.
She smiled reassuringly. “I’m fine. Completely healthy.”
“What...what do you plan to do?” he asked after a moment.
“Do?” she asked bemusedly. “Well, have the baby, of course. Take care of it. Love it.”