It's more that I know how other people view my body shape. Even if we’re not supposed to care what other people think, I can’t help it.
It’s just another sign Kayden would never want me.
“Hey, are you alright?” Zadie asks as I fumble my key in the lock.
“Yeah,” I say, pushing the door open. “I’m fine. It’s fine, honestly. He’s just an asshole.”
“He’s wrong,” Zadie says firmly, as though she can sense my doubts. “You know that, right?”
“Thank you, Zadie, for everything. I’m going to get going now. But I mean it, thank you for everything.”
“I’m always here for you. No matter what.”
We hang up and I look around my crummy apartment. There’s a damp spot in the corner that won’t go away no matter how many times I spray it. I’ve been trying to get the manager to look at it for weeks, but apparently, they’re underfunded and he doesn’t have the supplies.
I try to keep it as neat as I can, but it still looks sad, with the third-hand couch and the old TV with a crack in the screen. I always feel a dark pang in my chest every time I step foot in here, a depressing reminder that this is my life, my lot.
But not forever.
As I strip off my work clothes and head into the bathroom, I remind myself of that loudly. When the water comes out cold and then becomes white-hot without a second’s warning, I scream in my mind that this isn’t going to be my life in the long term.
I’m going to work my butt off, somehow get enough money together to start making short films, and then maybe land a role on a film set as an assistant director…
Stepping from the shower, my skin burning from the heat, a profound feeling of hopelessness swelling inside of me.
It’s so easy to think stuff like that, to fill my mind with lofty aspirations, but standing here in my bathroom it all seems so far away.
Walking into my bedroom, I drop onto the edge of my bed, wrapping the towel tighter around myself. I can’t help but wonder what Kayden is doing right now, whether it’s something business-related or if he’s working out.
I close my eyes and choose the latter, imagining him in a sleek gym, sweat causing his T-shirt to stick to his hulking body. I imagine his arms bulging, his veins standing at attention, and then turning to look at me, that enigmatic smirk on his lips.
“I want you, Kyra. I need you. You belong to me.”
Without planning to, my hand slides down between my legs, my fingers stroking along my sex, as I disappear into unlikely dreams.
Chapter Five
Kayden
“So, Hallie, tell me about yourself.”
It’s an effort to make myself say the words as they try and catch in my throat.
I don’t care about you. I only want Kyra. I need her.
I wonder what would happen if I blurted those words live, with millions of people watching on TV and online, and the dozens watching in person behind the camera.
Would Kyra say she feels the same? Or would she do the smart thing and get away from me as fast as she could?
I was asked to choose who I wanted to have dinner with first, so I put all the contestants’ names into a lottery-type program and clicked the button for the response.
The program randomly gave me Hallie, so I chose her. There was no personal preference in it whatsoever.
Crazily, I wish I could tell Kyra that. I want her to know I have no feelings for this woman, sexual or emotional or anything in between. I want Kyra to know I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since yesterday, my dreams were flooded with her, and my patience is already pulled tight, ready to snap, every time I think of her curvy tempting body.
Hallie is talking, but I have no clue what she’s saying. I force myself to focus.
“…always been a little wild, I guess you could say. Hence the tattoos. Do you have any tattoos?”
“No,” I tell her.
“Why? Are you shy about your body?”
This is clearly the part where I’m supposed to flirt back, but I can’t think of anything to say. And then my gaze flits to the very back of the studio.
Kyra.
She’s leaning against the wall, staring across the studio at us. I’m sure it’s her, even with the lights shining in my eyes and her standing in the darkness. Her forearms are across her chest, causing her breasts to press together, igniting even more animal desire in me. My cock grows hard and the tip pulses, precome threatening to leak out.
“No, it’s not that,” I say, remembering Jack’s warning to stay focused, for the sake of the company. “I just never had the desire to. Some of my old Marine buddies did.”