Peyton looks in both directions, and honestly, neither seems appealing. For the longest time, the twins refused to drive on the road in front of the school where their father died. Over the years it’s gotten easier, but most of us detour when they’re in the car to prevent any uneasiness for them. However, going by her house probably isn’t the best option either.
“Want me to drive us out of town?”
She nods and puts the car in park. We quickly switch seats and within seconds I have us speeding out of town. I drive us to Greenfield High, one of Beaumont’s rivals and strongest nearby competition.
“This is where you’re going to teach me to drive?” she asks, as we meet in front of my Jeep. The headlights give off a strong enough glow that I can see her face clearly. Her lips are pursed and kissable. There have been many nights, alone in my dorm room, where I have dreamed of kissing her. No one, not even Quinn, knows about my fantasies. No one ever will.
I never cared when she followed me around with her football or wanted to scrimmage with the rest of the guys. I always knew she was in the stands, watching and cheering me on, ready to tell me about my game. If she were like a sister, I would’ve been annoyed. I would’ve pushed her away, but I didn’t. I found excuses to keep her close.
“Sure, why not?” I look around the deserted parking lot, which are the best places to learn the basics. “You’ll be fi
ne, Peyton. I promise.”
“Remember when you took your permit test? You aced it while Elle missed four. That was the last time I was home for your birthday because I was drafted a year later. Sure, we celebrated when we’d see each other, but it’s not the same. Don’t forget we have big plans for your twenty-first. You remember the plan right? We’re going to live the high life and use our names to get us everything we want. You just have to wake up, Peyton, or we can’t celebrate.”
“Noah?”
Elle’s voice is soft as she calls my name. I turn in the chair to find her resting against the doorjamb. She comes to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and cries softly into my shoulder. I hold her and find myself quickly following suit. My tears are hot and streaming fast down my cheeks.
“You have to tell her,” Elle mumbles, but I’m shaking my head.
“No. I can’t. I won’t.”
9
Peyton
My mom stands in the doorway watching Noah and Elle comfort each other. Her stance mimics the way Elle was standing earlier. She and my mother are clones of each other. We may be identical twins, Elle and I, but we’re nothing alike. From early on, I favored our father, while Elle took after our mother, or so we’ve been told. Elle was the cheerleader in high school. I preferred football, choosing to stand on the sidelines until I joined the school paper. She liked to dress up, making sure her clothes were perfect. I didn’t care as long as I was comfortable. The one thing that’s the same, well was until now, is our hair. Neither of us has cut it without the other doing the same, and we’ve never dyed it.
Elle and I changed when we went away to college. I started dressing more like her, while she took on the grunge rocker look. I had never seen my sister wear flannel before until she moved to Los Angeles. Now she owns combat boots, nylons with holes and wears black nail polish. Our dad calls it a phase.
“Noah… Elle… may I have a few moments with Peyton?”
My sister removes herself from Noah’s lap and goes to our mom. They hug each other and by the shaking of Elle’s shoulders, I’m assuming she’s crying. My attention is on Noah though. He clears his throat before standing. He hovers over me, his thumb brushing lightly along my forehead and finally, he leans down to kiss me. I wish I could feel him. Feel the warmth of his lips against my tepid skin. I try to move my arms, wiggle my fingers, open my eyes and even grunt, but no amount of straining produces the results I’m seeking. Noah seems to be the only one who hasn’t given up on me.
Is that a sign that I’m supposed to find my way out of here? Have I been lingering in this ‘in between’ because I’m waiting for something more meaningful to show me that I need to leave this realm? Everyone except for Noah is hell bent on saying goodbye to me. He’s the only one refusing to give up. Why is that? Since when do we not pray or have hope?
Noah stops and gives my mother a hug. She’s short and has to stand on her tippy toes to get her arms around his broad shoulders. I’m jealous that she and Elle get to hug him and I can’t. I’d give anything to feel his arms around me, at least one more time.
Mom waits until Noah and Elle are out of sight before she comes in and sits down. She picks up my hand and holds it to her face. The ring that my dad gave her when our adoptions were final doesn’t sparkle inside this drab room. It’s almost as if the ring has died a bit because I’m in here. I remember, after he gave it to her, I used to try it on. It’s always been my favorite piece of jewelry and I think it’s because it represents my family.
“My sweet baby girl,” she whispers against the back of my hand. I’d give anything to tell her how much I love her, to make sure she knows she is the best mother I could’ve asked for, but I can’t, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance.
I vaguely remember speaking to her yesterday. Or was it the day before? My memory before the accident is fuzzy. Did I interrupt her time with my aunts? Would she have told me if I did? No, I can’t imagine she would’ve. My mom has always put Elle, Quinn and I first, over my dad and the band. Even though I can’t remember my conversation with her, I’m telling myself that she was happy for me. I hope I told her I love her and miss her.
I wish she had come to visit me instead. If she did, maybe I wouldn’t be here right now. There is no way I would miss time with my mom to go out to dinner with a handsome quarterback, although she probably would’ve encouraged me to.
“There are so many things I want to say to you, Peyton, but I don’t know where to start. I hope you know that you have been the best daughter. You remind me so much of your father. I see him in your eyes, your smile and the way you command a room when you walk in. You’ve always been noticeable, even when you thought Elle was stealing the spotlight.”
“That’s because she was,” I blurt out. Elle has always had an indescribable air about her. When she walked into a room, people flocked to her. We were both popular in school, but Elle seemed to hold herself higher than I did. I suppose there isn’t anything wrong with being that way.
“When you see--”
A gut-wrenching sob takes over my mom’s voice. Her head falls to my leg as she cries. I’m there to comfort her, wishing with all my might she could feel my hand rubbing through her hair. I rest my body on top of hers, holding her as tightly as I can. “It’ll be okay, Mama.” But I’m not sure I even believe what I’m saying.
She cries louder, hiccupping and muttering words that I can’t make out. In a flash, she’s out of my arms and being held by my dad. It’s as if he knew she needed him. He’s always known. He sits on the floor with her on his lap, holding her to his chest as he rocks her back and forth.
“I know it hurts, baby. Our girl is strong though, we have to have a little hope.”