“Hi Mom.” I have avoided all her calls up until now. I don’t know if it’s because I have nothing to tell her or because I don’t want her to think any less of Joshua. After taking a restless nap, Josh introduced me to Matt, his agent. I was leery at first, and then quickly realized that he has Josh’s best interest at heart and I know Josh has mine.
“Please tell me it’s not true.”
Oh how I wish I could, but this is a crazy Hollywood movie playing out in real life. My life. I sigh deeply, saying nothing as I stare in the direction of Matt and Josh while they watch television and pick at the take-out Chinese Matt went and got for us.
“Oh, Joey.” Her voice breaks and I find myself fighting back more tears. Just when I think I’m all cried out, more come, and at times I can’t even stop them. I can’t help but play ridiculous scenarios over in my head of what life is going to be like.
“I know, Mom.” It’s all I can say because there is nothing else. My mom saw the live footage of Jules during the show and she knows all about what transpired backstage. She knows everything about Josh because I was his ultimate fan girl and filled my mom in on their Josh and Jules relationship many times. Everything about my life right now is surreal and not in a good way. I can’t tell if this is real or a nightmare—maybe it’s a combination of both and I’m only waiting for the next fork in the road to determine the next scene.
“What’s he going to do?”
That would be a loaded question to most people, but to me it’s not. He’s going to do the right thing because that’s who he is on the inside. It’s who I am. Does it hurt that I’m not the one giving him a child? Yeah it does, but this child shouldn’t be held accountable because of Josh and Jules’ actions.
“He’s going to be a dad.”
“And you?”
I glance over at Josh, who is watching me. “I’m going to be a step mom,” I say, smiling at Josh. He leaves the table and comes over to me, kissing me on the side of my head and whispering thank you. It’s not how I thought our life together would start out, but it’s the course it’s on now. The way I see it I have two options: support him and accept this fully or bail. I don’t see leaving as an option.
After I hang up, I silence my phone, but Matt’s continues to ring off the hook with people wanting to interview Josh and me. He declines for the both of us, telling the reporters that we’re busy planning a wedding and that if they want the exclusive on that to send him a proposal. I know agencies pay big money to have exclusives, especially when it’s a wedding, but never thought mine would be important to them.
It’s when Jules calls that I find I can no longer breathe. Listening to her on speakerphone makes my blood pressure skyrocket and my heart race. I find that each time she says something my nails dig into the palms of my hand, but the pain isn’t enough to make me stop. Josh paces as he listens to her and Matt converse, stopping next to me every so often to remind me that he loves me.
She wants to see Josh and talk, but is already putting stipulations on him. The first one being that I can’t be there. I go to say something, but Matt holds up his hand, letting her finish her rant, and that’s when I stop listening and retreat to the bedroom.
The door opens seconds after I close it and almost immediately Josh is pulling me toward the bathroom. He locks the door and turns on the shower, creating a sound barrier to prevent Matt and subsequently Jules from hearing us.
“Talk to me.” He cups my cheeks with his hands, and when I look into his eyes I see the agony within him—it’s stabbing me in the heart and ripping us both to shreds.
I shake my head. “I don’t know what to say anymore.”
“I won’t go by myself. Matt knows this.”
“He didn’t tell her no,” I point out.
“You and me, we’re in this together … we do this as a team. So if she has to see me, which I’m not sure why she would need to, we go together.”
I want to ask him what if I don’t want to go? What if I want to stay as far away from her as possible? But I can’t. His mistakes can’t continue to haunt him. I’ve accepted it and need to support him.
He kisses me, and what starts off as sweet and tender turns frenzied. My hands fist in his shirt, pulling him as close as I can, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure it’ll ever be enough.
Pulling his shirt over his head, my lips roam over his broad shoulders, down to his defined chest and back to his neck. When I look into his eyes I see a hunger and know that it matches what I’m feeling. I give him a slight nod, letting him know that I want him, too.
Slow and methodical he takes off my shirt and removes my bra with the flick of his wrist. His hands glide down my sides and he kneels until his lips brush against my belly.
“You should be the one carrying my child,” he says before placing a kiss above my belly button. He has no idea what those words do to me on the inside. They rip and tear at what’s left of my resolve.
Nimble fingers undo the button on my shorts and the sound of the zipper is lost among the booming echo of the water hitting the tub floor. Josh watches me as he tugs my shorts and panties down with one swift pull.
“This is not how I thought we’d be right now.”
My hand brushes through his brown hair, the natural red highlights he has are muted from the poor lighting in the bathroom.
“As long as we’re toget— ah oh God,” I stammer out as his tongue swipes against my core.
“Fuck, Joey. I want to taste you, but I need to be inside of you.” In a flash his shorts are down around his ankles and I’m on the counter. I watch as he slides into me slowly and his fingers dig into my hips as if he’s afraid I’m going to disappear on him.
Everything about us right now is slow, methodical. Josh moves as if he’s trying to memorize the way we feel together. Each thrust is proving a point.