Nope. That is what I tell myself. I don’t and I refuse to believe this has anything to do with me.
Jules sits down and makes herself comfortable, although I suppose if she actually wore sensible shoes while carrying extra weight around she might fare better. She continues to run her hand over her belly as if it’s somehow soothing.
“What do you want, Jules?” I ask for the third time. This time she sets her steely gaze upon me, and smiles one of the most sinister grins I have ever seen in my life.
“You.”
“I’m married.”
“Doesn’t matter. Divorces are easy. Besides, we’re going to start a family. Surely your new wife will have an issue with you being tied to another woman for the rest of your life.”
“It’s not mine, Jules. We haven’t been together for months.”
She laughs as if she’s mocking me. “I’m almost six months along, you can do the math. I know you’re smart enough to figure it all out.”
I shake my head, unwilling to acknowledge that this is my fate. I don’t want children, even Joey knows this and has accepted it. Hell, being married is a stretch for me, but with Joey it’s been worth changing my beliefs.
“How come I’m just hearing about this now? Surely the tabloids would’ve picked up on what you’re trying to hide.”
“I’ve been staying at home, waiting for you to come back to me. I tried telling you after I found out, but you must’ve blocked my number. I get it, Joshie, I do. She’s new, exciting, and probably caters to you. But let’s be realistic here, it’s always been Josh and Jules, and now that we’re having a baby we can go back to the way things used to be.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Jules,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m in love with Joey and there’s no room for you in our lives.”
She brushes off my statement as if my words don’t mean anything. “I’m pregnant and you’re the father. I’m fairly certain that cements me in your life whether you and your precious reality TV wife want me there or not.”
Jules stands and walks over to me. My heart races with anticipation of what she might try. For years she’s been my weakness, my go-to when shit was hard and by my side when things were good. If I hadn’t met Joey, I’d probably be back to my on again off again bullshit with Jules.
“You don’t want to be like your father, do you, Josh? The absent dad who never paid attention to his son, until his son made a name for himself? You don’t want to be a father who never sees their child because your current wife doesn’t allow it? How much did you suffer as a child? Are you telling me that you’d do this to your o
wn flesh and blood?”
She has me by the balls, in a tight vise grip. Jules knows everything about my family and how much I hated growing up with absent parents, which is the main reason I don’t want children. Movie sets aren’t a place to raise a family and knowing my wife and child are home without me for months on end would kill me. The fact of the matter is, I’d have to be an absent father or quit my job and the latter isn’t going to happen. That’s one of the reasons why I think it’s best for me to never have children.
I swallow hard and refuse to look at Jules. All I can see is Joey, sitting on the couch while I deliver the news to her. I’ve told her that Jules won’t be a problem in our lives and I meant it. Seems to me that I’m a proven liar. Joey can’t hold this against me, though, because it happened before I met her.
“Here’s the address where I’m staying. You have my number. I don’t want things to get ugly, but the media is about to find out that we’re expecting.”
With that she pushes me out of the way and exits my trailer. Even though she doesn’t slam the door, I still jump when I hear it latch and rush to my small bathroom to expel the contents of my stomach. Everything I’ve worked for, everything that I’ve achieved with Joey is gone. I don’t care how forgiving or accepting she is, Jules has already ruined enough for Joey and this will be the defining moment.
After hanging up with Josh I finally decide to heed his words about getting out of the hotel and enjoying myself. It’s truly easier said than done, but I’m making an effort, even if the alligator pond freaks me the hell out.
Luckily Josh is picked up every day and taken to set so our rental car is free for me to use, otherwise I’d be hoofing it. Walking does sound better because it affords me the opportunity to stop and smell the roses, but it’s unsafe and the last thing I want to do is put myself in danger or upset Josh.
Parking along Main Street, I check out the cute little shops along the road. One is a bridal store that I linger outside the big glass window contemplating whether or not I should go in. I don’t know what I’m afraid of with having a real wedding with Josh. We’re already married and having a ceremony with our friends and family wouldn’t be that big of a deal, except I can’t wrap my head around it. Josh doesn’t have much in the means of family so why is it so important to have a big wedding? Surely a party would be enough. Maybe he doesn’t remember that I planned a wedding before. I was weeks away from getting married, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest. I had the perfect dress, flowers, and location. My honeymoon was planned and apartment ready to move into. Some wounds are hard to get over, but I get where he’s coming from. He wasn’t a part of that. He’s not the one who hurt me.
The door to the store opens and a young woman with her mother come out. In the young woman’s arm is a dress bag, but it’s her expression that catches me off guard. She’s beaming and it’s not an ordinary smile. By looking at her, you can tell she’s happy—that whatever she’s holding in her arms is part of her dream and her mother … well, her smile matches that of her daughters.
Maybe this is what Josh was talking about, the elation that comes with having a wedding. It’s something neither of experienced and something I’ve always dreamt of. I decide to go in and welcome the cool air inside the store. Actually, it’s a reprieve to be in air conditioning.
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“Hi,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “I was walking by and saw the store and thought I’d come in and look.”
“When’s your wedding?”
“We haven’t set a date yet.” I try to play it off as nonchalantly as possible.
“You’re about a six?”