Quinn smiles. “I don’t think so, Dad.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “I think she’s a good mom. Noah loves her and says nice things about her and she makes you smile even when you think no one is looking. I see you smile and I like that.”
He’s right. She makes me smile. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Yes.”
“I like Katelyn, a lot, but sometimes I feel that I can’t be enough for her.”
“Why? I think you’re a great dad.”
“Quinn, you make being a dad the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but that’s not it. I don’t think she likes my tattoos and I’m very different from her husband.”
Quinn rolls his eyes. He’s far too smart for his age. “I think your tattoos tell a story, maybe she should learn to read.”
I lean back and study my son. “You’re right, maybe we can teach her.”
“I think she needs her own so she’ll like everyone else’s.” Quinn gets up and heads toward the bed and starts packing, reminding me of the fantasy I had of Katelyn with ink on her body. The thought of seeing something delicate, in a place for my eyes only, arouses me. I have to push those thoughts away. It’s never going to happen if I can’t keep her walls down for longer than a two-minute haunted house ride and some stolen kisses.
THE bus is quiet as it speeds down the highway to our next stop. Only a few more shows and we’ll be done. DeVon seems to be having fun, although confused as to why he’s not traveling with us. For one, there’s no room, and two, this is a family trip for us. Katelyn made it clear to his manager that he’d be on his own, though I do feel bad for the kid. His first time on any type of tour and only sees us during sound check. For the most part, he seems nice, just lost. I suppose that has to do with his manager being glaringly absent from the tour, which I find extremely odd.
Once again, it’s a sleepless night for me. I tried lying down, but my mind is swimming. Since we’ve returned to the bus, she’s avoided me. I don’t get it and I’m starting to get frustrated. I get the chase is supposed to be there and that I need to be patient, but is it too much to ask for a simple smile or a brief acknowledgement?
I pull the song lyrics from my pocket and unfold the scribbled out piece of paper. I hate song writing with a passion. My words don’t flow as easily as Liam’s and I’m not easily moved by situations in my life that I feel the need to jot everything down. Music – yes – I can add a beat to just about anything he throws at me, but not words.
“What’s that?”
I fold the paper haphazardly before Liam can see what it is. I clutch it in my fist and look out the window. We’ve had misunderstandings before, like the time he was with Sam. That relationship, as short as it was, screwed up the dynamic of our group. He became withdrawn and she became more of a bitch. It didn’t take long for JD and I to ditch him and just do our own thing, and at one point, I started looking for a new gig.
But this is different. He knows how I feel about Katelyn, so the outburst in the park is completely unwarranted. I’ve never been clearer about my intentions than I have with her.
“It’s nothing,” I say as I slip the paper into the pocket of my hoodie.
He sits down next to me and sighs. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“All right.”
“No, it’s not all right. I was wrong. Here I’ve been harping on Katelyn to let you in, and then I jump your shit and accuse you of trying to use her. I was wrong.” He turns and faces me, but I continue to stare out the window. “I’m scared for the both of you. I’ve only seen her love one person and you… you’re so shut off from females after Quinn that I don’t know what to expect.
“But, I see the way you look at her and that’s the way I look at Josie. Like you just know she’s supposed to be in your life. I’ve all but begged her to give you a chance – to get to know the Harrison that I know - but I’m not sure if she can.”
“I’ll wait.”
“For how long?”
“As long as it takes, I guess. I don’t know, Liam. I’m trying to be respectful and give her the space she needs. These past few days she’s acted like she wants things to progress, but then she shuts down and I’m back to the drawing board.”
I get up and start to pace as much as the bus allows. I hate talking about my feelings. If this was anyone else, I’d clam up, but I know that he has hers and my best interests at heart.
“
I want to do right by her, Liam, I do. But if she doesn’t want me, I’m not going to keep chasing her. I respect her too much to keep on forcing myself in her life if she’s not interested.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
I run my hand through my hair, pulling my hood off. “I don’t know if she does, she hasn’t asked and it’s not like I’m going to offer up my feelings on a silver platter. Rejection isn’t an emotion that I like to experience.”