I hold my hand up, not ready to hear what he has to say. My eyes burn an imaginary hole into the ground. I’m biting my lips so hard I can taste the iron seeping into my mouth. He’s not going and I am. Everything I’ve done, every decision I’ve made has been for nothing.
“I chose the University of Texas because of you and now you’re not going?” My voice is sharp, the anger rushing forward. I can’t hold it back.
“I’m in love.” His answer is weak and not good enough.
“And you don’t think I am? I was going to ask Josie to go to school with me until you told me about Texas. I had an offer from them and thought you’d appreciate us playing together. I wanted to take her out of Beaumont and never return, but didn’t ask her because I didn’t want Katelyn to be alone.”
“Thanks –”
“Just stop, both of you. Why couldn’t you tell me this before we got here? Afraid I’d bail?”
I stand and stare down my friend, who right now I wish wasn’t
my friend. He’s someone who has just turned my last camping trip into a fucking nightmare. I’m stuck here for five days with him when all I want to do is fucking leave.
“Liam –”
“What, Mason? What on earth do you have to say? Is it that you didn’t want me to go to college with you? Because if that’s the case you should’ve fucking said something when you barged into my hotel room. Do you really think I want to go to Texas? Fuck no. I did it for you, so you wouldn’t be alone because you kept going on and on about your damn scholarship and I thought if I were there to help and support you, things would be okay. Boy was I fucking wrong.” I grab my hair and pull it, letting out a loud yell. I bend over and try to catch my breath. I want to fucking cry I’m so frustrated. I feel Josie’s hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Unfortunately it’s not going to work, not this time.
“And to think I could’ve had a decent fucking home life these past few months had I chosen the right school, but who the hell gives a shit about that?”
I kick my chair into the fire, startling Josie. I glance in her direction before heading off into the woods. There’s nothing they can say, what’s done is done. I was stupid for trying to do what’s right for my friend when I should’ve just thought about myself. Josie and I could be packing and getting ready for school, instead we’re getting ready to say goodbye. She’ll be with her friends and I’ll be alone.
Just the way Sterling prefers it.
Chapter 22
I hold Josie in my arms. I know she’s trying not to cry but her tears dampen my shirt. I don’t push her away. My bags are packed and strapped down in the back of my truck. The next stop is the University of Texas. We’ve had a rough week and it definitely hasn’t gone like we had planned. They say plans are supposed to change. I don’t know who they are but their theory is spot on.
My dad got wind of Mason backing out of his scholarship and did everything he could to get me into one of the five I had shortlisted, but he couldn’t. I was actually thankful for his attempt and it was nice to see him step up, but in the end it was all for nothing. He’s disappointed in me and so am I. I’m off to a college that I don’t really want to be at and it’s my own fault for putting others in front of me. Sterling’s incredibly selfish and says I need to learn to be this way too.
The sun is rising over the valley now. We’ve been out here for an hour or so. I’m not supposed to leave until tomorrow, but there’s a party tonight at the tower and I can’t bring myself to be there. I thought it best, under the circumstances that I leave early. I can take my time and maybe figure out my life while I’m driving solo on the highway.
I bury my nose in Josie’s hair, determined not to forget what she smells like. I don’t care if I’m going to be gone for a day, a week or a month. I need to make sure every sense that I have has her memorized. I’m kicking myself for leaving her behind but she hasn’t asked if she can come, which tells me that she wants to stay and go to school with Katelyn. That’s what girls do, they go to school with their girlfriends and join sororities and do girly shit. She wouldn’t have fun in Texas. She wouldn’t know anyone and she’d spend most of her time waiting for me to be done with football. That’s no way to start your college education. I need her to be happy. If she’s happy, I’m happy… even though I’m not.
“I’m going to miss this,” I say into her hair. My throat is tight. It’s painful to speak. I’m fighting back the tears that are threatening my manly existence. She’s never seen me cry, even while we were camping. I held it in. I couldn’t do it even though I wanted to unleash a fury on everything around me. Instead, I let her hold me. Console me. I berated her when she apologized. This wasn’t her fault. It was mine and mine alone. I tried to do what I felt was right.
“I wish things were different, Jojo.”
She clutches my shirt in her hands as she pulls me closer. “How so?”
“I wish you were going with me or we had chosen a school together.”
“Me too,” she whispers, breaking another piece of my already crumbling heart. Everything could’ve been so different and it should’ve been.
I have to squint when the sun comes up. It’s going to be a hot day in Beaumont and that means I’ll miss my girl in her bikini lounging by Katelyn’s pool. We didn’t do nearly half the stuff I wanted to and now that I think about it, it all seems so trivial and mundane. I should’ve taken us on a trip across country, just the open road and us. We had nothing holding us back in Beaumont, at least nothing that couldn’t wait.
Instead we’re sitting in my truck with the sun telling me it’s time to go and say goodbye. In a few days, I’ll be busting my balls in the hot Texas sun, trying to impress a coach who hasn’t spoken to me since I said I was going there. Maybe it’s a sign. If it is, I don’t have a fucking clue what it means.
The next song on my mixed tape starts to play. I try not to let on my excitement, but it’s there, sitting on the edge ready to burst out. Josie shifts in my arms and I know this is it. She’s going to tell me that she loves this song. I can feel it.
“Who’s singing?”
I wrap my arm around her a little tighter and nuzzle her ear. “Me.” I listen to the words that I wrote her play out over the speakers.
Can’t take my eyes off of you
I’m a man that’s speakin’ the truth