I don’t know what I expected, but it’s definitely not this: three days maybe, a week at the most, but two weeks? Two weeks to get your affairs in order? When I left Damien, it was quick. I didn’t haggle over my bills or anything like that. I didn’t even change my address, but Jimmy, I don’t even know what he’s doing. How long does it take to get one’s affairs in order?
Affairs. That’s the word that lingers in the back of my mind. Is that what he’s doing? Sowing his wild oats in LA because I’m not there? I tr
y to clear my head of those thoughts, reminding myself that as much as he said we’d have a conventional marriage, it’s not happening. You don’t leave your newlywed wife at home while you gallivant back to your home state where the contents of your little black book reside.
The office door opens and for one brief second I allow my heart to beat a little faster thinking it’s Jimmy; that he’s here and isn’t going to miss this appointment. What I don’t account for is the instant let down when yet another pregnant woman and her husband walk in, hand in hand. I hate admitting it, but that’s what I want. It’s what I need and desire deep in my heart. I’ll never tell him though. I’ll never tell anyone my true feelings because those are left bottled up and buried deep in the sand. I can’t pressure him to be something he’s not. I knew this and yet I fooled myself enough to believe his words.
“Jenna Davis?”
I look up at the nurse standing in the doorway holding my file. She smiles, waiting for Jenna Davis to stand and make her presence known. I want to rewind the last twenty minutes of this day and not tell the receptionist that my name has changed. Davis. My child will be born with that last name and while that pleased me weeks ago, now I’m not so sure. I rise slowly and am met with looks from the other women. They judge me openly. We all do it whether we intend to or not. I’m the poor wife whose husband can’t be bothered – that’s what they’re thinking. They aren’t thinking that my husband is a doctor or even his true profession, a musician, and he can’t get away from work. No, they’re thinking I’m single and doing this on my own. They want to commend me but they don’t because that means they understand even though their husbands are sitting next to them. Some were probably willing, but I have no doubt there are a few here that were forced to take time off from their days to be at their wife’s side, as they should be.
I look at the office door one more time before making my way to the nurse. She smiles again when I pass her, the door shutting loudly behind us.
“This way,” she says in her I’m so happy to be doing my job voice. We step into a room and she shuts the door behind me. This is routine. I take a seat in the chair until I’m told to change into the thin piece of fabric that doctors call a gown.
“I see you recently married. Congratulations.” The corners of my mouth turn up in the fakest smile I’ve ever had to plaster on my face. She reaches for my arm, slipping the blue blood pressure cuff up my forearm. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. I haven’t had morning sickness in a while.”
“And you’re sleeping okay?” she asks without eye contact. I know she’s in a hurry, she has a waiting room full of patients, but a little acknowledgement would be nice.
“I don’t have any problems sleeping.” It’s a bold-faced lie. Ever since Jimmy left and my run in with Damien I haven’t slept at all. Every sound, every little creak in the steps and my body tenses. I lie awake at night with my phone in my hand waiting for the front door to open and for Damien to appear. I leave all my lights on so that shadows don’t scare me. I could go back to Liam’s, but that’s admitting I’m scared or telling him that Damien was around and I’m not sure I’m willing to do that.
“Your husband won’t be joining you today?”
I shake my head and look up at the fluorescent lights, giving me an excuse to have watery eyes. I won’t cry, not in front of her and not over my missing husband. “He’s working,” I say as nonchalantly as possible.
“Stand on the scale please.”
I slip off my shoes and stand on the scale. I watch, in horror and delight, as the number increases. Gaining weight is a necessary evil. The higher number should make me feel happy, but it doesn’t because at the forefront of my mind are toothpick skinny women draping themselves all over my very willing husband.
“Did you drink your water?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, go ahead and lie back on the table, Jenna. The technician will be in first to do your ultrasound and then the doctor will be in. Be sure to tell the tech if you want to know the sex or not.”
The nurse is gone before I can say anything. I lie back on the white paper and let my legs dangle over the end. I jump when the door opens, followed by a young male technician. He smiles brightly when he sees me. I try not to stare, but I can’t help it. He’s tall, at least I think he is, with a gorgeous smile and a head full of curls; the kind that make you want to reach out and run your fingers through them. His eyes are bright blue, like something you’d only see in the daylight and if the sun was shining just right.
“I hear we’re looking at your baby today.”
I nod, my voice nowhere to be found. He pulls out the rest of the table, allowing my legs to lie flat. He sits in his stool and rolls over to me, pulling the ultrasound machine behind him. I glance at his nametag and shake my head slowly. His name is James and while that isn’t Jimmy’s name, it’s close enough.
“I’m going to lift your shirt and put on this gross and very cold goop on your skin.”
I shiver, not when he touches me, but when the blue blob hits my skin. I shiver when Jimmy touches me.
The technician puts the wand on my stomach and hits a few buttons. The room comes alive with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. It sounds like there are a hundred horses galloping all around me.
“Now that we’ve heard the heartbeat, let’s see your baby.”
Before I know what’s happening the ultrasound machine is pushed into the technician and the wand is hanging from my leg.
“Whoa there buddy,” James says. I look over my shoulder to find Jimmy staring at me. The grin on his face tells me that he’s happy to be here, to see me, but it quickly morphs into something else; concern? He steps over to me and kisses me full on the lips.
“Sorry about that, mate. I’m Jimmy Davis.”
I look over at James. He’s staring at Jimmy with his mouth open. “I know who you are. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m a huge fan.” They shake hands, completely ignoring me.