Telling Noah would be the smart thing to do but finding the words to admit that you’re seeing things is really hard. My therapist suggested I go to hypnotherapy, and I’ve even considered a medium. Neither sound like a pleasant option if I’m honest. I’m not positive that I want to reach my father because I’m afraid he’ll ask me to join him on the other side or tell me not to marry Noah, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to tell him no.
After I have the bouquet arranged in the cemetery provided vase, I sit and rest my back against the slab of granite. Elle and I had this placed years ago, replacing the existing marker. The original held a space for our mom, but neither of us would bring her here to be buried with our father. She belongs, when the time comes, with our dad and wherever they end up.
“There are times when I wish you were here, although I don’t know how our lives would be. Mom, Elle, and I love Harrison, and can’t imagine him not being a part of our lives. I’m grateful for him because he stepped in when he didn’t have to. He was there when I needed someone and has always looked at me like a daughter. Then I think you would’ve done the same thing in the same situation, but it’s hard to picture you there, because I can only remember Harrison being there. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed as your daughter. Grandpa says I haven’t, that only a heart truly remembers a love and that eyes forget.
“And that’s what I’m trying to do now, Dad. Forget. I want to forget the accident, the surgeries, the pain I was in. I don’t want to flinch when Noah touches me or wonder if I’m going to sit down and find you next to me. I don’t know, maybe my therapist is right, and I need to see someone who can help me explore my memories because I think you’re stuck on this side and can’t get back. Have you been here this whole time?”
Of course, there’s no one to answer me. Right now, would be an ideal time for my dad to appear, take form in another person and come over here, but no, I’m here alone, aside from the funeral taking place right now. I don’t want to stare, but I’m curious. Beaumont is a small town, everyone knows everyone, yet somehow, I don’t know who has passed away. Last year, when Elle and I lost a classmate, our phones were ringing off the hook. His death rocked our little community, and while we couldn’t make it to his service, Josie represented our families. I never asked her about the service or even checked in with her. Maybe that’s why I haven’t heard about this one going on today, she probably thinks I don’t care.
I do. I care deeply.
Thoughts of Josie spur me to take my phone out. I flip through the pictures I took yesterday of the arrangements she made for me. Every one of them had Paige oohing and awing, proclaiming it was her favorite until her mom brought out another one. I have my favorite though.
There’s no denying that I want a winter wedding. I’ve imagined the red and white roses from the day Noah asked me to marry him. His parents were married after Christmas, and mine, well they made us a family on the same night, professing their love for each other. I want to honor them both. Doing so, means taking criticism from the people we surround ourselves with on a daily basis, and I don’t know if I can do that to Noah.
The last bouquet sealed my desire to marry Noah in December though. The soft pinks, whites and dark reds mixed together created something I had never dreamed of. The spirea, peonies, Japanese lisianthus, scabiosa, sweet peas, roses, anemones, hellebores, and olive and bay branches cascading down brought a tear to my eye. Josie knew too, she nodded and said this is the one. It was. It is. It’s what I want. I held it in front of me and looked into the mirror. Paige and Josie stood on either side.
“Just imagine your mom and sister here, dressed in cream and red. Noah and his party, dressed in gray suits.”
I turn and look at her. “Did Noah tell you this?”
She shakes her head.
How did she know that’s what I wanted? Noah and I barely discussed what he could potentially wear, and yet his mother had the same vision.
I wipe away a fallen tear, wondering if it’s from happiness or the unsurmountable anxiety I feel by sitting here. The committal service is over, the family and friends of whoever lies in the coffin leaving them there for a caretaker to put into the ground. How morbid, I think. And how lonely the person inside the coffin must feel.
Turning my attention back to my dad, I brush my fingers over his name once again. “I think, had I not been in the accident, I wouldn’t have to ask you this question, but I need to know if you can leave me alone. I’m trying to build a life with Noah and he worries about me. I think he’s afraid I’m going to do something to hurt myself so I can go back to where I was with you, and I don’t want him to stress. I love him and want to be with him. I love you too, but I need fo
r you to let me be, let me move on. I love you, Daddy.” I kiss my hand and place it on top of the tombstone before walking away.
I’m almost to my car when my phone rings. I expect it to be Noah, but the number is unfamiliar. “Hello?”
“Peyton James?”
“Yes, who’s calling?”
“This is Leo Bowen from the Rams. Have I caught you at a bad time?”
“Uh, no. What can I do for you?”
“We’d like to invite you out to our offices in Los Angeles. We know you have offers from ESPN, Fox, and the NFL Network, and believe you haven’t accepted a job as of yet, is this correct?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Perfect. We’re interested in you.”
“To do what exactly?”
“Player analysis. We like the way you break down the game, point out the weaknesses, the abilities and pinpoint where the players and coaching staff need to make adjustments.”
My mind goes crazy at the thought of working in player development. It wasn’t a path I thought I wanted to pursue, not until I helped Noah fix the issue with his feet. I clear my throat. “Are you offering me a job?”
“We are, if you’re interested.”
“I… I don’t know. I think I am but would need some time.” Time for what, Peyton? Aside from discussing this with Noah, who will tell me to do what I want, what will time do?
“Are you interested in at least coming out here, seeing the facilities and meeting the staff?”