Walking into Bailey’s tonight, Ajay is the last person I expect to see. I looked all over the area for the Wrangler he drove yesterday and when I didn’t see it, I figured he had left, especially after I didn’t answer any of his calls or texts. I don’t know if I want him to leave or not, but I think it’ll be easier for me. My heart is torn and my resolve is breaking. Ajay’s getting the best of me and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. After one week, I’m ready to jump all in with him and not look back, except I know I can’t make rash decisions… not when I have Evelyn to think about. She’s my one and only priority. And I’ve been hiding her from Ajay. Not because I’m ashamed, because I knew how he would react to seeing her.
As soon as the three of us stepped into Bailey’s and I saw Lee talking to someone whose back was to the door, my heart dropped. I knew instantly that it was Ajay. We should’ve turned around and left. I should’ve told Logan that I didn’t feel well, anything to get the hell out of there, but Ajay had spotted us and had seen Evelyn. There was nowhere to hide.
I fully expected Ajay to be a real asshole, but he wasn’t. He introduced himself as my friend, and when he spoke to Evelyn, I could hear the agony in his voice. He tried to hide his face from me, but I saw his tears. I wanted to hold him, and tell him all about Evelyn, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. For a moment, I was back in my bedroom, curled in fetal position with him holding me tightly, his tears mixing with mine as we cried over the baby we lost. I was one week shy of my second trimester and hadn’t felt very well. Dhara’s mother is a nurse so I went and saw her. When she couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat, she sent us to the hospital. The whole way there, Ajay told me that everything would be fine. That day, he never let go of my hand.
Fingers snap in front of my face and I come back to reality. “You still with me, Jamie?”
“Yeah, sorry, just really lost in thought.”
“Logan said he’s going to dance with me later,” Evelyn says from beside me.
“Is that so?”
She nods happily. “I’m the best dancer.”
“There’s no doubt about that,” I say to her, but my eyes are trained on the stage. I can’t recall the last time I saw Ajay playing the drums. I think it was a garage band or might have been someone’s summer party, but it was shortly after I lost the baby. We were so in love, but our hearts were broken. We wanted to use our loss as a fresh start, which is why he said he wanted to go to Nashville to land a good paying gig, to get us out of Bailey. I believed him.
Evelyn crawls over my lap and meets Logan at the end of the table. He takes her out
on the floor and swings her around.
From where our table is, I have the perfect view of Ajay. His hat is on backward and the flannel shirt he had on earlier is either on the floor or wrapped around his waist. I’m hoping for the latter. That was always my favorite look on him for some reason. Maybe because it made him look rugged. Ajay’s watching Evelyn and Logan on the dance floor. Every so often he looks in my direction, we make eye contact and he immediately looks away. We have to talk before he leaves because I want to explain - I want him to know that if he wants me, he has to love her, too.
“Phew, I’m tired.” Evelyn wipes her forehead with the back of her hand and starts to climb over my lap.
“Would you like me to move so you can get to your seat?”
“No thanks, I can do it.” And she does, but not before giving me a Charley horse.
“Do you want to dance?” Logan asks just as the lead singer tells us he’s going to slow things down a bit. Logan holds out his hand and I take it, appreciating the help in getting up since my thigh is killing me.
“Grandma and Grandpa are on their way. Don’t leave the booth, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy.”
With my hand in his, I follow Logan onto the dance floor. I don’t look at Ajay, I can’t. I’ve seen enough hurt in his eyes tonight to last me a lifetime.
“We need to talk, Logan.” He nods as we continue to sway to the music.
“I’m going to make this easy, Jamie. I’m deploying next week. The orders are really unexpected, but I’m needed overseas. I found out the other day, which is why I’ve been down here as much as possible. I wanted to show you and Evelyn a nice time before I went away.”
“Logan—”
“Jamie, I don’t want you to wait for me. I would never ask you to. I know your life is with someone else and I’m okay with that. I just want us to stay friends. I need someone to be the person I call when shit is bad.”
I nod and fight back the tears. “I’ll always be that person, Logan. Always.” He pulls me close and I nestle into the crook of his neck.
“I don’t want you to think I’m hurt because you’re in love with your ex. I get it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not,” he says. “Knowing you and Evelyn has been the highlight of my life so far. Even if I wasn’t deploying, I’d step aside.”
Looking at him, he has me wondering why he would do that. “Why? What makes you think you can’t compete?”
He smiles. “When he was just a ghost, it was easy. I knew you had been through something earth shattering but I was willing to put your fragile pieces back together. For a couple of years, we’ve been at this relationship, neither of us willing to make a big move. It’s like you’ve always been present but never really here, until this week. I think on some level you always knew he’d come back.”
My feet stop moving even though Logan is trying to keep us dancing. His words replay over in my head and I find myself questioning them.