“Okay,” she says, hanging up. I don’t want to question why it was so easy to get her to agree, but there’s a lingering thought in the back of my mind that this conversation will probably be the only part of my day that will actually be easy. Of course, I want to believe she wants to spend time with me, but this is likely the last thing she wants to do. The rational part of me realizes she’s only spending time with me because she has to.
I send a text to Quinn, telling him that Whiskey said ‘yes’. He responds, saying that Nola has already gone to the store, the cooler is packed, and that they’re ready to leave whenever I am.
I think I love Quinn’s girlfriend. At first, when he told me he had let her know what was going on, I was a little upset. But she’s his person, and she’s trying to help me get my person so who am I to complain? If I’m successful, I’m going to have to do something special for Nola.
The hour goes by painfully slowly. I convince Quinn and Nola that we have to leave fifteen minutes early to drive across the street. I’m pretty sure they’re humoring me when they both just smile and plays along with my insanity. While we wait for Whiskey, Nola plays with the radio, telling me that she’s going to control the music from the backseat. Honestly, I don’t mind because it’s one less thing I have to worry about while driving.
I’m standing next to the Wrangler when Whiskey comes into the parking lot, she stops and starts for a moment before approaching.
“Is this yours?”
>
“It’s a rental,” I tell her. “But I might have to buy one because it’s fun as hell.”
She looks at Quinn and Nola, who waves. “Let me introduce you. Quinn James and Nola Boone, meet Jamie.”
They shake hands. “It’s nice to meet you,” Nola says. “I’m excited you could come. Spending the day with these guys by myself isn’t always fun, if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah I imagine it’s all shop talk or moody brooding.”
Quinn and I both hang our heads. “Things could be worse, we could talk about video games all day,” I tell the girls.
“In which case I would take your credit card and go shopping,” Whiskey fires back. I know she’s joking but I like that idea a lot.
Even though the doors are off, I walk Whiskey to the passenger side of the Wrangler and wait until she’s situated before going back to the driver’s side. I’m completely mesmerized by the way she swiftly puts her hair up and checks herself in the mirror.
“What time do you have to be back?”
“I don’t,” she says. “We should go before all the good spots are taken.”
I do as she suggests. As I drive through town, Nola and Whiskey chat. It’s easy when there’s minimal wind and I like that I can hear them. I decide to take the back roads to the coast because it makes the drive slightly longer but more amenable to having a conversation. Once we’re out of town, Nola turns on the music. Through the rear-view mirror, I see Quinn scoff at what’s playing on the radio. I want to turn it off or tell her to play something different until I check out Whiskey, she’s singing right along to Dana’s voice.
“You know this song?” I ask her as we come to an intersection. Thankfully, we’re the only car there at the moment so I use this opportunity to talk to her.
She nods. “Yeah, it’s on the radio a lot. Let me guess, you know the singer?”
“This is my band,” I say with a chuckle. I watch as her face morphs into something that I can only describe as embarrassment. I lean toward her, my lips close to her ear. “Don’t hide from me, Whiskey.”
“I’m not,” she says quietly.
She turns and looks at me. She’s so close that I could kiss her. I want to kiss her, but I pull away. “I love that you know our songs. It means a lot to me.” I reach for her hand, intending to give it a quick squeeze, but she holds onto it for some reason and there’s no way I’m letting go.
20
Jamie
What the fuck am I doing? Why can’t I ever say “no” to this guy? Why is it that when he touches me, my whole body ignites in flames? My skin aches for his touch even though the burns he left behind years ago haven’t healed. How stupid can I be? How much more of this traitorous behavior will I be able to withstand before I finally force myself to stay away from him.
The problem is, I don’t have an answer. He called this morning and I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to go see him. The rational side of me knows I shouldn’t feel this way. I should want to see Logan. I should’ve called him and asked him to come back down after he had to make an emergency trip back to base last night. He should be my priority, but even he knows our relationship isn’t going anywhere, and I hate that. I hate that both of us became so comfortable that we stopped trying somewhere along the way and instead developed an amazing friendship with partial benefits. Yesterday, when he left, we didn’t reach for each other, we didn’t declare our love for one another. We said “goodbye” at the door and I immediately went to check my phone to see if the guy next to me had called or texted. He hadn’t. But I wanted him to. I wanted to tell him about running into Evelyn’s father and how much I hate him. How everything that he did to me was nothing compared to what her father did. How the man who gave me my daughter is the worst kind of man to walk the earth.
I should’ve said all of this to Logan, but I didn’t. Instead, I want to tell Ajay. But then again, I don’t. I want to keep him shut out of my life. I want him to leave, to never come back. And yet I want him to love me like he used to and fall in love with Evelyn, too. I want him to choose love, a life with me and my daughter, and at the same time I want him to disappear from my life all together.
I have so many fucked up thoughts that while I’m looking at him, as we’re stopped at this four-way intersection with his friends in the backseat, all I want to do is climb over the console and feel him deep inside of me. I want to feel the same way I used to when he’d make love to me, to know what it’s like again to be so consumed with love that merely being near him isn’t enough. Because I need more… I yearn for more. He wouldn’t say “no”. He might tell me to wait until we get to the beach though, and I would. I’d wait because loving him was the best part of my life until he left, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for that.
A car honks but I’m too busy looking at Ajay to know which direction it’s coming from, and I don’t care to find out because the only thing that matters right now is watching him. He tears his eyes away and pulls forward. The moment is gone but not likely forgotten, at least not by me.
I shouldn’t be here. I should’ve never answered the phone this morning, and when I dropped Evelyn off at my parents, I should’ve heeded my father’s words over my mother’s. They’re like night and day when it comes to Ajay. My dad is adamant that I stay as far away as possible while my mother is pushing me toward him. She believes in the notion that everyone has one true love and knows that Ajay is mine. There was a time in my life when I believed the same. Last week, I would’ve said he wasn’t. This week, I’m not so sure.