This is all my dad’s fault. If he would’ve just left Ajay alone, I wouldn’t feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I wouldn’t feel the need to cry, scream, or to punch holes in the wall to let out my frustration. If my dad had just let the past stay where it was, my heart wouldn’t be in my throat right now.
“Mommy, can you help me?”
Evelyn’s sweet little voice brings a smile to my face and pulls me away from the window. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t have any idea what kind of car he would drive. When we were together, he used my truck. He never had anything to his name, other than me. I pull the chair out next my daughter and ask her to show me where she needs help. She shows me that she can’t make an eight, so I show her the way I was taught by making two ovals, almost like a headless snowman.
“I’ve never seen snow,” she says.
“Be thankful. It’s cold and wet.”
“Like the beach?”
“Only the wet part. We don’t go to the beach when it’s cold, silly girl.”
She shrugs. “Can we go this weekend?”
I play with one of her braids and smile. “How about next weekend? I have to fix the schedule at work.”
She nods and continues to work on her numbers. I sit there and watch her, wondering how I got so lucky when she came into my life. When I found out I was pregnant, I was adamant that I was going to give the baby up for adoption. I wasn’t done partying. I wasn’t done being wild. I didn’t want the responsibility of another human to fall on my shoulders. It wasn’t until I started looking at prospective parents and no one seemed good enough for her. No one could love her the way that I already did. Being a single parent hasn’t been easy, but it’s been the most rewarding job of my life. To see her smile, to know her, it’s a blessing that I’ll never look past.
“What do you want for dinner?” I ask as I head into the kitchen.
“I’m not hungry.”
I walk around the half wall that separates the dining room from the kitchen and watch her focus on her worksheet. “Because we had ice cream, right?”
“Mhm. My tummy’s full.”
“Fair enough. Do you want to watch a movie when you’re done?”
She glances up from her paper and smiles that sweet toothless grin. “I like it when you get off work early, Mommy.”
I go to her and press my lips to her head. “Me too.” I suppose I should thank my father or Ajay for that, but I won’t. Neither of them needs the satisfaction of knowing my crappy day turned out fantastic.
As soon as Evelyn’s done with her homework, I give her a quick bath. We brush our hair and teeth in unison, making a game out of it before snuggling together on the couch. Tonight’s movie of choice is Toy Story, which makes me cry every single time. An hour into it, and after repeating most of the words and belting out a song or two, my baby girl is fast asleep in the crook of my arm. I stay like this, relishing in the closeness and the moment. I’m in no hurry to move even though I can hear my phone vibrating on the table. Whoever is calling or texting can wait. Right now, I need to hold my daughter. I need to tell myself that everything’s going to be okay, that Ajay isn’t here to screw up my life, that whatever he’s doing, it’s his thing and not mine. What we had, our short-lived marriage, is a thing of the past and there’s nothing that can change that. His actions today, by not speaking to me, is a clear indication that he’s moved on… just as I have.
When the movie ends, I shut off the TV and rouse Evelyn. She’s cranky but going to bed without a bathroom stop is just asking for trouble that neither of us want to deal with in the middle of the night.
“I love you,” I say to her as I get her tucked in.
“I love you more, Mommy.” She places her hands on my cheeks and pulls me forward. “You’re the best Mommy in the whole wide world.”
Her words bring tears to my eyes. It’s times like this, when I’m doubting myself, that she knows just what to say. I’m not the best, but I try. I struggle and drown a lot, but I try just for her. “You’re the best daughter a Mommy could ever ask for.” I close the gap between us and give her the butterfly kisses that she loves so much, we rub our noses together and finally a kiss goodnight. “See you in the morning.”
“Not if I see you first,” she tells me before rolling over.
Sleep is going to evade me tonight. I know this as I pull the covers back on my bed. My mind is racing, wondering about Ajay, and I hate myself for it. He should be an afterthought, a moment that was missed and never thought of again, but he’s at the forefront of my mind when I should be thinking about anyone or anything but him.
I reach for my phone to call Logan, only to remember I left it on the table. Because of Evelyn, my house has nightlights all over, letting off enough of a glow to guide me through each room. I pick it up and tap the screen to look at the missed calls and messages. Most are from Dhara, a few from Fletcher and one from my dad. None of whom I want to talk to. On my way back to my room, I press Logan’s name and wait for him to answer.
“Hey, I’m just walking in the door.”
“Long day?” I ask him.
“Something like that. Had some kids mess up and I had to deal the bureaucratic paperwork, and then one of their mothers called. Why is it that parents think they have a say in how the military treats their kids?”
“Probably because parents are meddlesome and coddle their children.”
Logan sighs. “I think you’re onto something. I have duty this weekend so I can’t come down, but I’ll be down next weekend. There’s a fair in Wilmington if we want to take Evelyn.”