Survivor’s guilt had eaten away at me for years, but now I saw it for what it was. I’d survived death and a situation that’d killed the two most important people in my life. I’d sunk to the lowest I could, and then a little girl and her brother had pulled me out of it. Naomi wasn’t and wouldn’t ever get to that stage, she had Shanti, me, Heidi, and everyone else to keep her afloat, but she may well have without us.
For Naomi and me, we had certain days that triggered our feelings. Everyone who’s lost someone important in their lives does. We were okay the rest of the time, with the memories and loss simmering in the background but not taking over, but those specific days were bitches. It was just human nature to grieve on birthdays, anniversaries, and big holidays because you have a void in your life that’ll never be filled again. Of course we became emotional and sad on those days.
Hurt came to an end, and Linkin Park and Jay-Z's Numb/Encore began playing straight after it. Ironic.
Pulling into the parking lot for P.V.P.D., I cut the engine and just enjoyed the silence for a moment.
My decision to become a police officer hadn’t been easy, but at the same time, it had been. I’d experienced loss and confusion with no answers, and I’d wanted to try and fix the world as much as I could to help other families who had to go through it, too. I was paying forward the help I’d gotten back then from the officers and the fire marshal who’d helped figure out why and how I’d lost my parents.
And I didn’t regret my choices one bit. The only thing I could say about it was that I needed to have a strong mind to live with the things I’d seen.
I’d gone to the police academy in Florida and had spent the first years of my career in an area where there was more crime and a much bigger population. Here, it was quieter, but you still saw shit that’d keep you up at night if you weren’t careful. But I liked to think we made a difference.
I had a lot of respect for how the police department was run here and how the protection of the people was the complete focus. Previously, the old sheriff had been incompetent and had been good friends with the corrupt mayor.
Since DB had taken over, he’d reformed the department. Mayor Townsend had helped, even before he’d gotten the position, and now it was one of equality from start to finish. I could only hope it stayed that way. Politics always played a huge part in these things, and I didn’t doubt that at some point it’d make its way into P.V.P.D.
A knock on the window pulled me out of my thoughts, and when I looked to see who it was, I huffed out a laugh at the blowfish Reid Klein was doing on the glass. Then he pointed to the other side, where Mark Montgomery was doing the same thing.
Pushing the door open and bumping Reid out the way, I got out of the vehicle and stretched out my arms, hoping like hell the kinks would work their way out tonight. I’d been stressed about giving Naomi the present and worried she’d think it was lame, so I’d hardly gotten any sleep last night. Sitting on the ground with her for an hour had only added onto it, and now I felt like every muscle in my body was three feet too short.
“Just to say,” I drawled, “those damn birds shat all over my car again last night, and I only had time to give it a quick hose down.”
Both men grimaced and began frantically wiping at their mouths as I strolled toward the entrance, where Alex was waiting for me with a wide grin on his face.
“Did she like the gift?”
I’d been in the process of refilling my mug with coffee when Alex asked the question, but I’d been expecting it from him at some point.
He was the only one who knew about how bad it’d been for me after I’d lost my folks and the way I’d met Naomi, and that wasn’t a level of trust I gave people easily.
Smiling as I poured half and half into the mug, I pictured her face when she’d opened it, and it’d registered what it was. “Yeah, she didn’t believe it was the same one until I assured her it was.”
“How was she?”
“How you’d expect. She misses Callum and worries he’d be pissed or disappointed with how she’s raising Shanti, but I figure I’d be the same in her shoes, you know?”
There was a moment’s silence, then, “Yeah, I get it. I was the same with DB after my wife died. When they’re here, you know where you’re going wrong because they say it. When they’re not, you second guess yourself and doubt your decisions because you can’t ask them for their input.”