“Are you okay?” Steve asks as we sit down for the bidding, voice low.
I nod gruffly. “Fine.”
“Are you thinking about…” he asks, trailing off.
I give him a look, and his face tightens. “That’s a yes, then,” he responds to his own question.
He turns to the stage as the lights darken and a spotlight illuminates the microphone stand.
Even if I can trick everyone else, I can’t pretend with Steve. He knows me better than anyone.
He knows just how obsessed I’ve become.
Chapter Five
Madelyn
Even after showering, the leather computer chair feels sticky and sweaty against my legs, bare in my PJ shorts. My apartment is warm and I think about turning down the heating, but then Smolder is Online appears on my screen. My heart gives a kick, the way it always does when I see the message.
He’s the reason my body has become so hot, my heart slamming hard against my ribcage.
I’m going to tell him I can’t meet. I simply can’t face it.
He joins me at the observation deck, his avatar walking with a crab-like gait.
“Gen,” he says. “Did you think about what I asked?”
I swallow a big ball of emotion. “So we’re cutting right to it then? Don’t you want to go hunt some raiders first?”
He sighs, and I find myself wishing we’d at least switched to a Skype or something, so at least I could hear his real voice.
But then he’d hear my voice and that would bring him one step closer to reality, rather than the fantasy he’s surely created in his head.
If he hadn’t invented a make-believe version of me, why did he want to meet so badly?
“I don’t think I can meet,” I say, glad I don’t have to look him in the eyes.
He doesn’t bother to emote. He could make his avatar collapse to his knees and weep, or beg, but the green-skinned alien just stares. “Because you think I’ll be disappointed.”
I swallow. “Yes.”
“Gen…”
“Tell me who you are. Send me a picture. Anything.”
“No,” he says flatly.
“But why?”
“You tell me who you are,” he counters. “You send me a picture.”
I bite my lip, debating it for a moment, but then I imagine him receiving a picture of me and immediately deleting me from his friend’s list. I try to hold onto Jess’s words, calling me beautiful, trying to believe them. But it’s difficult.
“I don’t want to do that,” I say softly.
“There you go then.”
“But I have a reason,” I go on. “What’s your excuse? Before, you said I wouldn’t believe you if you told me who you are. What does that mean? Are you famous?”
The questions come like a barrage. I can’t stop them.
“We’ll meet in a public place,” he says. “If you’re worried about me hurting you.”
“I know you wouldn’t hurt me, Smol.”
“Yeah, how do you know that?” he says, a gruff edge to his voice. I wonder if it’s him or his avatar. Or a mixture of both. “Because you know me. We’ve spent several evenings a week for months talking. I know some people might think we’re being silly, but let’s face it… we’ve had some crazy, incredible adventures in this game together.”
“I’d never deny that,” I say. I cough back a choking sobbing noise, silently cursing myself. Am I really going to cry over a video game?
But it’s so much more than that. He’s right. We’ve shared so many fun times together.
“Gen, I swear to you, I’d never hurt you. Emotionally or physically. I’d never judge you for anything. I just want to see you. That’s all.”
“And that’s exactly what I don’t want,” I snap, pushing the tears away. “How many times do I have to tell you that? You’ve asked me. I said no. And in fact, I think you’re getting really pushy now. I think you’re starting to really freak me out.”
“Do you mean that?” he asks.
After a pause, I sigh. “No, I don’t. I’m sorry. But if I could just know who you are…”
“It would change everything.”
“But I’m going to know who you are if we meet.”
“Yeah, I get that. But that will be in person. We’ll be able to look into each other’s eyes and see if there’s anything real here. If you don’t agree to meet, I’m not telling you who I am. I’m sorry, but women have tried to use me before.”
“Use you? For what?” I ask.
“Money.”
I bite down, wondering if I should tell him about my dad’s business, the fact – the fact I’ll never stop being grateful for – that I don’t have to worry about money. At least, for the time being… I’ve already promised my dad I’m going to pay him back every cent once I’ve made it on my own.
“I wouldn’t do that. I’m not like that.”
“I know, Gen. I believe you. But I can’t be sure.”
“So you believe me… but you don’t believe me at the same time.”