I thought I felt something on my ankle and spun around, losing my balance. Fortunately I caught myself on the side of the concrete before I fell down the remaining steps, but in doing that. I dropped the lighter. I heard it bounce down the steps. Now, in the pitch darkness. I was sweating more from panic than heat. I heard myself whimper.
Slowly, using my foot, I searched each step until I felt something move. I hesitated, waiting to see if it would move again, but under its own power. I touched it, and then, confident it was the lighter. I knelt down in careful increments and felt for it. When I had my hands around it. I permitted myself to breathe again.
I flicked it on.
I had the lighter, but what was I going to do?
I looked at the door at the bottom of the stairs. Maybe it was unlocked and maybe I could make my way through the basement and then upstairs and out the front door of the hacienda without anyone hearing or knowing. It was worth a try. Certainly, I couldn't stay here all night and I didn't want to shout for help if I didn't have to.
I continued down the stairs and turned the door handle, pushing gently on it. The door groaned so I stopped and waited, listening to see if anyone moved about above. There was no sound so I pushed again and the door opened enough for me to slip through. I thought about it again, looked back up the stairs. realized I had no choice, and went into the basement.
It wasn't much of a basement, just a single, long room. I lifted the lighter as if I were imitating the Statue of Liberty or something and turned slowly. There was furniture, a small bed and a dresser. The bed had a light blue pillow and a blanket. Someone had obviously slept there. The pillow was still indented with the shape of her head.
Over to the right of the bed was a small desk, resembling the desks we had sat at when first brought to the orientation room. Instead of a stool, there was a wooden chair. I saw a small lamp on the desk and approached slowly, gazing into the dark depth of the basement. What frightened me the most, of course, was the possibility of rats.
But the basement floor was bone dry and actually looked as if it had recently been swept and vacuumed. I didn't see any spiderwebs either. I lifted the lighter a little higher and the darkness retreated a bit more. I could make out a short stairway at the far end. I didn't see into every dark corner yet, but I didn't think anyone was there.
I walked down a bit farther and held the light high enough so I could find the floor grate Gia had spoken about. I didn't. but I thought I did hear voices, so I turned quickly and retreated.
I approached the desk and found the switch for the lamp. To my joy, it lit, and with that illumination I could clearly see the whole room. Except for this little bit of furniture, there was nothing and. I concluded, releasing the hot breath I had bottled up in my lungs, no one in the basement, I gazed at the desk and saw an envelope. The envelope wasn't addressed. but when I picked it up. I realized something was in it. I took out the paper and unfolded it. This was a letter and it began with Dear Mom and Dad...
I sat on the chair and began to read the letter.
First, I want to tell you I'm all right. It was very, very hard at first. Dr. Foreman made it seem as if this was going to be a fun place with strict rules, but nevertheless, not an unpleasant experience. She and I had a wonderful talk when I first arrived. She explained how her first concern would always be my wellbeing but she wanted me to understand that sometimes, she would appear very cruel and unreasonable to me. She compared herself to a dentist.
"I've got to drill away the rot in you,' she said, "the decay that's poisoning, the healthy part of you."
I thought that was very reasonable and I promised her I would always try to see things from her point of view. We got started on a good note.
Here at her school, she has older girls to assist her. She told me those girls were former students. At first, I couldn't believe it She had given them so much responsibility. How could they have been in enough trouble to be sent here and then become trusted assistants?
Dr. Foreman said that when I improved, I would probably make for a great assistant, who she calls buddies because they help the new students. They acted tough and hard, but I knew they were only trying to help me.
Anyway, I have another reason for writing this letter. Dr. Foreman has gotten me to understand that I can't improve until I admit to my problems and weaknesses. She says girls like me have to go through a process not unlike the process alcoholics
experience. We have to stand up and confess first. We have to say, "I am an alcoholic."
Page Of course, I'm not an alcoholic. I have to say I'm a liar and a deceitful person. So, first, let me say that. I have lied and deceived you both many times. I'm sorry about it, but I'm most sorry for what I did right before I was sent here. I know it was a horrible thing to do to make Tamatha sick by putting that insect poison to her food. I was so angry', but that didn't justify it. As Dr. Foreman says, I have got to learn how to channel my anger into other, more productive activities and learn how to talk about the things that bother me. I can tell you I worked hard at hiding everything, and it wasn't your fault that you never knew half the terrible things I had done. You didn't deserve to have a daughter like me.
Thanks to Dr. Foreman and her treatments, I can how do all that she suggested I should do. In ashamed, of course, and I'm sorry, too. We don't promise things here. Promises are like soap bubbles. They look really beautiful, but when you touch them, they pop and fall to earth and are gone. Dr. Foreman says, "They're not worth the air they're written on." She has a wonderful way of putting things sometimes.
So I won't make promises about the future and how I will behave. I'll just do the right thing.
I don't want you to believe that all this has happened overnight. It took a long time and I had to do many, many things that I know would be unpleasant to anyone else, especially some of my socalled friends. Dr. Foreman has shown me how none of them were really my friends.
There is only one other girl here at the moment. Dr. Foreman says the new girl and I are sort of between scheduling periods, and new girls will be arriving soon. Dr. Foreman just doesn't take anyone that people want to send here. She spends a lot of time analyzing and thinking about the girl and her problems first.
This other girl who is here is a lot like me in so many ways, but she is very unhappy and still very angry at the world and everyone in it. She hates me for being happy about anything
> She calls me Pollyannaish and says my eyes are blinded by stars. She very intelligent, but very bitter.
Dr. Foreman decided recently that she was not a good influence on me and we, therefore, had to be separated. She gave me a new place to stay. At.first, it was a very lonely place and then, one day, a man; an Indian man who is in charge of the ranch animals and farming, told me that the world is really inside you and not outside you. His name is Natani and I did not understand what he meant; of course.
But he showed me how to look inside myself and find the world I needed That's really where I go now. In the beginning, I was there for very short periods. Those periods grew longer and longer until I realized I could go there forever, if I wanted. I told Natani and he didn't say I should or shouldn't. He said I would know myself how long I should be away,
This is probably confusing you. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't done it to understand.
But, I can't explain it any more than to say, I'm happy, happy enough to want to stay here forever.