Perhaps if she had more babies, she would not feel so alone. But God had not blessed her with children since Gracie, and that was her greatest failure of all.
She wondered if she would ever hold a babe with Jonas’s ice-blue eyes and her straight nose in her arms again. Beyond the grace of God, a distance invaded her marriage.
Did no one want her anymore? Had she served her purpose? Like a jar of jam set on a shelf for winter, she was forced into a dark season of her life, despite sensing it was too soon. Only seventy-eight years and a frost was creeping in.
She was more than happy for Adam and Annalise. They were true mates, and come spring they would be giving birth to her first grandchild. Anna was a beautiful woman with an even more enchanting soul. She was good for her Adam.
The way her son looked at his mate reminded Abilene of how Jonas had always looked at her. Jonas saw her as a precious gift, one he would battle a thousand men to protect. He often referred to Abilene as his breath and, sometimes, the music to his soul.
How long had it been since he said such sweet words to her? She did not imagine this distance between them. It was growing into a great yawning void neither of them could seem to reach across.
Abilene’s skin chilled. Pulling the quilt up to her shoulders, she stared into the empty bedroom filled with silver puddles of moonlight. The black fingers of shadows choked her like the silence.
She shut her eyes and fought her tears. She would not break. Whatever her husband was going through, she would be there for him when he was ready to accept her help. He was her one and only true love.
After sixty years of love, honor, trust, and obedience without a single moment of hesitating, she still believed he was a remarkable male. He loved her with every cell of his being. She had never doubted his devotion to their children, so why was she questioning it now?
An idle mind was the devil’s playground, she thought, ashamed of where her thoughts had taken her. It was this godforsaken silence!
She considered waking Gracie to get her mind off this morose path of thinking. Gracie was always a wonderful distraction with her naturally charming optimism. She was so different from her older daughter, Larissa.
Larissa was a woman of duty. Their stoic daughter never voiced any objections when The Elders approached them with Silus’s request to wed, and once the marriage took place, Abilene saw her eldest daughter less and less.
Though it was against their laws to question such intimate things, Abilene worried what Larissa had suffered to make her believe running away was her only option. Silus had used nepotism to gain The Council’s permission to wed her daughter. He was an incredibly private man. And while Abilene had raised her children to be obedient in the eyes of God, she had also raised them to be shepherds rather than sheep. It pleased some indispensable feminine part of her to know that Larissa was perhaps now finding her own way.
The sound of the front door clicking shut had Abilene’s thoughts of her children scattering. Jonas was home. Would he come to her? Finally sleep in their bed beside her again? She turned as his shadow filled the door to their bedroom.
“You’re awake.”
Abilene looked at her husband, still taken aback by his handsomeness at times. He was a large man, bold and strong, yet kind and always gentle. Like his father, he had long, dark hair, blacker than pitch, that made his ice-blue eyes appear even more piercing. His broad shoulders and trim, muscled body filled the doorway.
Her gaze dropped to his hands. Hands that had cradled their children, hands that held her through countless times of sadness, caressed her through moments of great passion, and supported her when she did not know how to move on. He was her everything. And she wanted—more than anything—him to hold her now and promise her that they were going to get through whatever this was.
“I waited up for you.” She always had, but he never left her waiting as much as he’d been lately. “How was the meeting?”
He did not move to join her as he filled the doorway, watching her. “It was fine. They’re waiting for word from the bishop before making any new decisions. Silus isn’t happy about the ruling. He’ll likely try again.”
If her daughter ran, there was a reason.
Silence stretched. She moved to sit up, folding back the quilt in invitation, but he halted her movements with a staying hand.
“I have other business to tend to.”
His rejection stung, layering directly over the fresh rejection from the night before. He stepped toward the hall, and she called his name, “Jonas?”