I had nightmares about losing the baby. I’d wake up in pools of sweat, covered in chills. Some nights, I’d dream about Grams losing her life and me not finding her in time. Then I’d dream about Damian. Dying. Disappearing. Leaving.
Everyone left at the end of the day.
No matter how much a person wanted them to stay.
Mama was gone. Kevin was gone. I was breaking, breaking, breaking…
“A break?” Damian asked, stunned as he stood in front of me. “What do you mean?”
“Well, we just completed the six months of the will. Everything has happened so fast within those six months, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve had a chance to catch up with the craze of it all.”
His brows knitted as he lowered his stare to the floor of the bedroom, and then he looked up at me. “So, you want a break from me? From us?”
I hated this. I hated how I was hurting him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so consumed by the idea of loss that I feared holding on.
“I mean, the marriage wasn’t really real to begin with, you know? We were forced into proximity with one another. Plus, you never really had a chance to live the life you wanted over the past six months. You deserve more than me. Besides, I can’t truly expect you to be okay raising another man’s child.”
“You can expect that because I will, and I will love them as my own.”
He said it so confidently that I almost backed out from saying what I felt needed to be said. I wanted him. I wanted him so much that my heart ached thinking about the idea of him leaving, but I’d rather let go now than someday in the future when the love was so deep that the idea of losing him would make me lose myself.
Like how when Kevin lost my mother.
I wasn’t certain I’d ever recover from that kind of break.
“I’m…” I took a breath and looked away from him. I could not stare at those ocean eyes as I let go. “I’m sorry I can’t do this right now, Damian. Not with everything going on. I feel as if I just need to focus on me and keep the baby healthy and keep myself healthy. I can’t focus myself anywhere else at this time.”
He stepped backward, and I saw it. The walls crumbling around him. He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re scared. I get it. I made a promise to myself that I’d never beg for someone to keep me after so many times of being misplaced, but that’s what’s happening here. You’re letting me go because you’re scared that something will happen down the line. I thought I feared being left behind, but I can tell that that fear is much deeper within you.”
“Damian…”
“It’s okay, Stella,” he swore, stepping closer to me. He took his hands into mine and kissed my palms gently. “If you need me to go, I will go. But just know that I am not truly going anywhere. I’ll be right there around the corner when you’re ready to let me back in, okay?”
“Damian—”
“I’m not afraid of waiting, Stella. I have waited my whole life to find a home, and I found it within you. You taught me to feel again after so many years of feeling nothing.” He lay his lips against my forehead and whispered, “Stella?”
“Yes?”
“Stay with me.”
I didn’t know how to do it, though. I didn’t know how to stay and not fear the idea of losing him somewhere down the line.
He spoke before I could, almost as if he could read my mind. His forehead lay against mine. “I don’t mean physically. You need your space, and if that makes it easier for you to get through each day and protect the baby, that’s fine. We’ll find a nurse to look after you and make sure you are all right. But I need you to stay here with me,” he said, placing his hand against my chest. “Stay with me with your heart. Stay with me with your love, and it will be enough to bring us back together when the time is right. When you’re ready.”
“I can’t ask you to wait for me, Damian…it’s not fair.”
He let out a small laugh and shook his head. “I’ve waited my whole life for this feeling. What’s a little bit longer?”
“I love you,” I breathed out.
“I know. I love you, too. Remember what I said about love? You don’t need to be with a person to have the deepest level of love, and that’s what this is. This is love without limits. So, I’ll wait for you. This is temporary, Stella. At the end of this, we’ll be together. At the end of this, we get the happily ever after.”