“Here you go,” she said, spilling a bit of the wine as she passed the glass to me. “Oh! We should make a toast! You can make it.”
“I’ve never made a toast before.”
“Don’t worry. You can’t really get it wrong. Besides, I’m too drunk to really care.”
“All right then. Here’s to… you.”
“Me?”
“You.”
“Oh.” Her eyes swelled up with emotions as she held her glass up to clink with mine. “No one has ever cheered to me and me alone.”
“There’s a first time for everything.”
“Can we cheer to you, too?”
“Only if you want to.”
She held her glass up higher. “Here’s to me. Here’s to you. Here’s to us.”
We clinked glasses. “Here’s to us,” I agreed.
Us.
Something I’d never thought I’d have.
She smiled and led me out toward the ocean’s waves. She spent most nights out by those waves, and for the first time, she’d invited me to join her.
As she stared out at the crashing waves, something shifted within her. She grew a bit somber, and her eyes glassed over as she stared out into the night.
“Do you think he ever loved me, Damian? Jeff?”
“No.”
I said it too quickly, but it was the easiest no I’d ever had to deliver.
She didn’t seem bothered by my reply, but the few tears that scrolled down her cheeks told me she already knew about Jeff’s lack of love.
“I think he loved how much you loved him. How you bent over backward to make him happy when he didn’t even have to do the bare minimum for you.”
Her tears fell more than before.
I grimaced a bit and wrapped my hands around the neck of the glass. Her discomfort was making me uncomfortable. Her sadness was making me sad. I wasn’t one to feel others’ emotions. Most of the time, I felt as if humans were over the top and dramatic with their feelings. But, as I sat beside the crying Stella, all I wanted to do was take away her pain and feel it all for her.
“Do you think I love him?” she asked.
“Yes.” I said that without hesitation, either. “But that’s not shocking because I think you love the whole world.”
“And how much of the world do you love?”
“None.”
That made her cry more.
“That’s really sad, Damian.”
I shrugged, not feeling much emotion to it at all. “It’s easier that way.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because if you don’t love the world, it cannot hurt you.”
“Yeah, but if you don’t love the world, it can’t love you back.”
“Exactly. Shit only gets complicated when love is involved.”
She picked up a stone and tossed it out to the ocean. “I’d rather love in a complicated way than not love at all.”
“To each their own,” I replied, chugging down my wine. I placed the glass down on the ground and felt a knot in my stomach. I wanted to ask questions that I had no business asking. I wanted to know things that were out of line. Normally, I would’ve kept my thoughts to myself, but I couldn’t help it. They were eating at me.
“Why were you with him?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. “With Jeff?”
“Yes. No offense, but it doesn’t seem like you have anything in common. And, well, he treated you like shit.”
“You’ve only met him twice.”
“I knew the type of man he was within an hour.”
“And what kind of man is that?”
“One who’s not good enough for you.”
“Because I’m good enough?” she asked.
“More than.”
“Then why don’t I believe it,” she whispered, with drops of annoyance in her voice.
I wasn’t sure what to say because she was clearly upset but also so deeply sad. I wasn’t good at consoling people. All I could think to do was go break Jeff’s nose, but I doubted that would’ve helped Stella in her current state.
“Who was the first person to make you feel unworthy?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. You never forget your first heartbreaks. Trust me. Think hard.”
She lowered her brows before standing up to her feet. She walked down to the water, stumbling a bit, making it clear she didn’t need one more sip of wine. I “accidentally” knocked over her wine and poured mine out, too. She didn’t even notice.
“Stella, you must be a good girl, or Kevin will stop loving you,” she said as if quoting another person. She spoke as her hips swayed back and forth, unstable. “Sit down, child. Behave, child. Don’t wear that, child. Don’t speak too loudly, girl. Don’t wear a skirt that short, girl. Smile at that man, sweetheart. Don’t hold a resting bitch face. Engage with them. Don’t offend them. Don’t speak back. Sit. Kneel. Pray. Be quiet. Ladies are seen, not heard. Shut up. Speak up. Sit down, child. Behave, child. Don’t wear that, child. You’re too fat, Stella. You’re so ugly, Stella. You’ll never be enough.” She snickered to herself as she stumbled, and then she tripped over her feet and began her descent. The way her ankle bent made me cringe. It looked painful, to say the least.