But it was her lot in life.
There was no escaping the fact that Ewan’s life had been destroyed and that she had been the one to do it. How could she carry on with her life as if it didn’t matter?
Of course it mattered.
It would always matter.
With a strength Eliza had no idea she possessed, she pushed back from him. ‘I’m sorry…’ She moved away from him until she was almost standing in the shrubbery. ‘You’re asking too much. It’s all been too much. Finding out about your daughter’s blindness…seeing how hard it is for her and for you. I can’t think straight…I’m confused and upset…’
‘You need more time.’
She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment as if that would make all of this go away. But when she opened them again he was still standing there, looking at her with his unwavering gaze.
‘It’s not about time…’ She bit down on her lower lip. ‘It’s just not our time…’ It was never our time.
He tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Her skin shivered at his tender touch, the nerves pirouetting beneath the surface until she was almost dizzy with longing. ‘I’ve handled this appallingly, haven’t I?’ he asked, resting that same hand on the nape of her neck.
Eliza wasn’t sure how to answer so remained silent. His hand was strong and yet gentle—protective. She longed to be held by him and never let go. But the past—their past—was a yawning canyon that was too wide and deep to cross.
He let out a rough-sounding sigh and, stepping away from her to look out over the rear garden, that same hand that had moments ago caressed her was now rubbing at the back of his neck as if trying to ease giant knots of tension buried there. ‘I’m still not sure why I came to you that day in London. I needed a nanny in a hurry and for some reason the first person I thought of was you.’ His hand dropped to his side as he turned and looked at her again. ‘But maybe it was because I wanted you to see what my life had become.’ His expression was tortured with anguish and frustration. ‘I’ve got more money than I know what to do with and yet I can’t fix my child. I can’t make her see.’
Eliza felt his frustration. It was imbedded in every word he had spoken. It was in every nuance of his expression. He was in pain for his daughter—physical and emotional pain. ‘You’re a wonderful father, Leo. Your role is to love and provide for her. You’re doing all that and more.’
‘She needs more than I can give her.’ He dragged a hand over his face. It pulled at his features, distorting them, making him seem older than his years. ‘She needs her mother. But that’s another thing I can’t fix. I can’t bring her mother back.’
‘That’s not your fault. You mustn’t blame yourself.’
He gave her a weary look. ‘Giulia was already broken when I met her. But I probably made it a thousand times worse.’
‘How did you meet her?’
‘In a bar.’
Eliza felt her face colour up. ‘Not a great place to find lasting love…’
He gave her a look she couldn’t quite decipher. ‘No, but then people at a crossroads in their lives often hang out in bars. I was no different than Giulia. We’d both been disappointed in love. She’d been let down by a long-term lover. In hindsight, I would have been much better served—and her, for that matter—if I’d just listened to what had been going on in her life. She needed a friend, not a new lover to replace the one she’d lost.’
‘What happened?’
His gaze dropped to the gravel at his feet as he kicked absently at a loose pebble. ‘We had a one-night stand.’ His eyes met hers again. ‘I know you might find this hard to believe, but I don’t make a habit of them. I regretted it as soon as it was over. We had no real chemistry. In some ways I think she only went through with it because she wanted to prove something to herself—that she could sleep with another man after being with her lover for so long.’ He took a breath and slowly released it. ‘She called me a month later and told me she was pregnant.’
‘You must have been furious.’
He shrugged one shoulder. ‘I wasn’t feeling anything much at that stage. I guess that’s why I offered to marry her. I truly didn’t care either way. As far as I was concerned, the only woman I wanted wasn’t available. What did it matter who I married?’
Eliza ignored the flash of pain his words evoked and frowned at him. ‘Why was marriage so important to you? Most men your age are quite content with having affairs. They wouldn’t dream of settling down with one person for the rest of their life, even when there is a child involved, especially one that wasn’t planned.’