" 'You don't know anything,' said the one who had been combing my hair. 'She's just playing with you. She's going to kill you like all the rest. ¡¯
"I could feel the drug working in me, or was it my imagination? I was so hot, so miserable. I was neither drugged nor conscious.
" 'Don't try to get up,' said the woman with the comb. But I did try and I pushed her away from me.
"She fell back, murmuring in Italian. I think she was cursing. 'I hope she tortures you!' she said.
"I was flat on my back. I imagined myself crawling to the balustrade. I should have dropped down, no matter how low it was. I had been a fool not to try it. My eyes closed. I could hear their voices, their cheap, cruel laughter. I hated them.
" 'Listen to me,' I said. 'Help me to the balustrade. I'll go over it myself. You can tell her that I jumped. I'll probably die, and you'll be happy and free of me, just like. . . just like. . . ' I couldn't make my mouth form the words. I wasn't sure I had said even what I thought I had said.
"I was swooning. I could no longer see.
"The bed was moving, and at first I thought it was my disorientation, but then I heard the squeak of the wheels. A coolness came over me and I felt my clothes being ripped from me, and then, down into a pool of warm water, my body was slipped.
"Thank God for it, I thought. The sweat and the heat were gone. Someone was bathing me and I didn't hear the voices of the young women anymore.
" 'Listen to me,' said a voice right close to my ear.
"I tried to open my eyes. In a flash I saw the ceiling painted with murals -- a great blue sky with flying gods and goddesses: Bacchus in his chariot and satyrs around him with wreaths and trails of green ivy, and the maenads with their hair ripped and their clothes in tatters following behind. Brand-new. Too bright.
"Then I saw the boy who was bathing me. He was one of those extraordinary young Italian beauties with a halo of black curls for hair, and a gorgeous naked chest and muscular arms.
" 'I'm talking to you,' he said with a thick accent. 'Can you understand me?¡¯
" 'The water feels good,' I tried to say, but I'm not sure I managed the words.
" 'Can you understand me?' he asked again.
"I tried to nod but my head was against a rim of porcelain. I said, 'Yes. ¡¯
" 'She'll test you,' he said. He went on bathing me, lifting the water in his hands and letting it flow over me. 'If you fail her tests, she'll kill you. That's always her way with those who fail her. There is nothing to be gained from fighting her. Remember what I say. ¡¯
" 'Help me to get away from here,' I said.
" 'I can't help you. ¡¯
" 'Do you believe me?' I struggled to articulate it. 'When I say that I can reward you? I have plenty of money. ¡¯
"His eyes widened and he shook his head. 'Doesn't matter if I believe you,' he said. 'She would find me, no matter where we went or what you gave me. She's too powerful for me ever to escape her. My life was finished the night that she saw me waiting tables in a caf¨¦ in Venezia. ' He made a short bitter laugh. 'I wish to God that I had never brought her that little glass of wine, that useless little glass of wine. ¡¯
" 'There has to be a way,' I said. 'She's not God, this woman. ' I was losing consciousness again. I fought it. I remembered the cold air and the stars around me. What was she? What kind of monster?
" 'No, not God,' he said smiling bitterly. 'Just powerful and very cruel. ¡¯
" 'What does she want with me?' I asked.
" 'Try to stand up to her tests,' he said. 'Try to please her. Otherwise you die. She never does anything else with those who fail her. She gives them to us, and we rid the world of the bodies, and for that we are allowed to continue to live. That's our existence. Can you imagine the place the Devil has for us in his inferno? Now, if you believe in God, use this time to say your prayers. ¡¯
"I couldn't speak anymore.
"I felt him raise my arms, one at a time, and shave the hair beneath them. It was a strange ritual, and I couldn't understand the desire of anyone for such a thing to be done.
"He seemed to sense my discomfort.
" 'I don't k
now what it means,' he said to me softly, 'but for you she has ordered us to take great care. ' He shook his head sadly. 'Maybe it means nothing, maybe it means something. Only in time will we know. ¡¯