“Jase,” she pleads with me. But I ask for so little now. I’m trying to give her everything to make it right, but I need this. “Tell me,” I say. The demand comes out hard and her expression falls.
A moment passes and she takes my hand, but her grip is weak.
“Please,” she begs me, “I don’t want to be alone.”
“I know that, but you don’t want to be with me either. Do you? We shouldn’t be doing this anyway.” I say the words without thinking. I know we’ve both thought it. That what this is today isn’t what it was that night I had her sign the contract. And two nights ago, we should have parted ways. It’s volatile and wrong. Being with her is going to be my downfall, I already know it.
And yet here I am waiting for her answer, because she’s the only one of the two of us who has the balls to admit out loud that we shouldn’t be together.
She hesitates, although she doesn’t deny it. She doesn’t say anything. The silence grows between us, separating us and making it seem as if the last time we were together never happened.
Thump, there’s the dull pain in my chest. It flourishes inside of me as I stand there in silence.
“After what I did for you, I deserve better than that,” I snap back. It fucking hurts. There’s a splintering sensation in my chest as if the absence of her words truly injured me more than that cut she gave me the other night. Only one will scar.
Her lips turn down as she swallows, making her throat tight. Her inhale quivers but instead of saying anything, she shakes her head, her hair sweeping around her shoulders as she looks away.
Nothing. She gives me nothing and with that I turn my back to her, slamming the door shut behind me. As hard as I can. The force of it travels up my arm, lingering as I walk away from her.
I could tell her she still owes me; I could tell her that. But right now, I don’t want to.
An awful sound travels down the hall, following me. A sob she tries to cover. The kind you hope comes out silent, but it’s ragged and fierce. My footsteps thunder behind me as I take the stairs as quickly as I can.
The kind of sobs that you can’t control. The kind that hurt.
Both the pounding of my shoes as I leave and the evidence of her misery, both are uncontrolled and painful.
I have seen so much brokenness in my short life. I hate it. I hate how easily everything can be destroyed and wasted. It’s so useless to live day by day, not just seeing it all around you, but making it so.
Standing at the bottom of her stairs, with one hand on the wall and the other gripping the banister, I listen to her cry. Crying for me? And the pain she’s caused me? Crying for herself and how alone and empty her life truly is? Crying for us?
And it takes me back to the time I heard similar cries. A time I left.
And I remember what was left of me when I came back to see the damage done.
My body tenses and my throat dries as I stand in between the man I was before and the man I’ll be tomorrow.
Tonight is mine regardless and knowing that, I turn on my heels and make my way back up the stairs as quickly as I can, pushing her door open without knocking. Her wide eyes fly to mine as I kick the door shut behind me.
“Jase?” She whispers my name in the same way the snow falls around us. Gentle and hopeful the fall won’t last for long.
She moves on the bed, making a spot for me easily enough although her eyes are still wide and searching for answers. She stays sitting up even though I climb in and lie down back where I was, pulling the covers over my clothes.
It’s too hot, but it’s better than taking the time to do something other than lie down with her.
Patting the bed, I tell her to lie down, noting how gruff my voice is. How raw.
“Are you angry?” she asks and I tell her I’ve always been.
Molding her small body to mine, she rests her hands on my chest, still wary, still exhausted. Still hoping for more. “I’m sorry,” she whispers and I tell her so am I.
Hope is a long way of saying goodbye. Even I know that.
Her hair tickles my nose when I kiss the crown of her head. The covers rustle as I move my arm around her, rubbing soothing circles on her back.
Time marches on and with it the memories of long ago play in my mind. Making me regretful. Making me question everything.