“I can’t lose Rochelle.” She blanches at my words.
“Rochelle would want you to be happy.”
“There’s things you don’t understand.”
“I’m trying, but you aren’t giving me anything in return.”
“Ruthie knows something I did, and she can use it against me to send me away for the rest of my life.”
“What did you do?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both. But it’s because you’re better off not knowing. I’m
trying to protect you.”
“Protect me. Protect me from what exactly? I watched you kill Lion. I know you killed Todd. Who better to keep your secrets than me? I’m the one who loves you. I’d never use any of it against you. I’m not your wife. I’m not her. I’m nothing fucking like her.”
“Be patient with me.” I tuck her back into my side. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
“I don’t want to fight with you either, but this baby is real, and I need to know that I can count on you. You’re either with me or you’re not. I’m all alone here.”
“You deserve better than me, Alexa.”
“I don’t want better. I want you. The question is do you want me? You swore to me that I’m yours. Are you a man who goes back on his word?”
“I’ll always take care of you. I don’t want you to worry about that.”
“Take care of me. Do you hear yourself right now? I don’t want you to take care of me. I want you with me. I need you.”
“Shit. Lex, do you know how scared I am to be happy?”
“You’re scared?”
“I’m terrified, babe. Anytime I get a little good I fuck it up. You’re more than good. You’re the best God damn thing that’s ever happened to me. So yeah, you scare the fuck outta me.”
“Do you want to be with me or are you going to be a coward?”
“C’mere.”
“No. No more. You tell me how you feel about me or leave me alone. I can’t keep going like this. I need to know where I stand in all this.”
“Fuckin’, love you, Lex. I can’t get any realer than that. That what you want to hear?”
“I want you to be honest with me. Honest with yourself. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear to spare my feelings. If you don’t love me then say it. I want to hear it come out your mouth.”
“Do you have any idea how adorable you are when you’re mad?”
“I’m not mad. I’m hurt and tired. There’s a difference.”
I stroke her loose hairs that fell from her bun away from her face. “Listen to me, I’m not a man that shares his emotions easily. I have a lot on my mind, but I shouldn’t be making you feel like shit. You being pregnant, it’s not ideal. I won’t lie to you. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. That I don’t fucking love you. I never planned on having any more kids. But this baby didn’t ask for my fucked up shit and neither did you. We’ll take it one day at a time.” I press my hand to her belly. My heart hammers in my chest. Alexa smiles at me, and I wish my worry would ease, but it’s there in the back of my mind, lurking like an enemy waiting to strike.
“One day at a time,” she agrees softly.
“How about this day, you get naked.”